Have you ever been sitting on the couch watching an episode of Frasier, laughed at that scene when Niles misunderstood something Daphne said, and suddenly thought, “Oh shit, I really need to buy a new gun.”
Well, instead of heading to a nearby gun store, gun show, gun website, your cousin who needs cash quick, or that guy you met that one time when you were making bad decisions after a bad breakup, you’ll soon be able to buy a sexy, state-of-the-art murder weapon direct from a new cable channel called GunTV!
Fast Company reports the masterfully named and branded network (just look at that voluptuous gun owner silhouetted in the background of its logo!) will soon “be available nationally on yet-to-be-named cable and satellite providers,” and will make buying guns as easy as buying a Squatty Potty from Lori Grenier on QVC.
To get past all those pesky gun laws, GunTV will work like this:
- You turn off Frasier and flip to GunTV.
- You see a sexy lady firing a beautiful fucking gun that you needed in your life yesterday.
- You call the number on the screen and speak to a gun-loving representative from Sports South—GunTV’s “exclusive fulfillment partner.”
- You say, “Oh I want that beautiful fucking gun I saw the sexy lady fire on TV earlier,” and tell them where you live.
- The gun-loving Sports South rep finds a presumably dope as hell Sports South location in your state, takes your billing/shipping info, and orders the gun.
- You flip back to Frasier.
- You receive your gun a few days later and are satisfied.
- You play with the gun until it accidentally goes off and shoots a bullet through your television.
- You buy a new television.
- You flip to GunTV to find a gun with a more reliable safety device.
They even made a helpful flowchart to help illustrate the process! The whole thing is just wonderfully convenient and removes the most annoying aspects of buying a gun—like leaving your house, looking at fellow human beings in the face, and taking the time to consider your life choices during your drive to the gun store.
But apart from the convenience, the best thing about GunTV is that they recognize the importance of gun safety. On their official Facebook, GunTV writes:
Using the same approach used by alcohol companies “Drink Responsibly,” the platform introduces a social responsibility message to the firearms industry and general public that resonates with Americans.
GunTV launches in January, which is approximately 30 mass shootings away from today.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via GunTV.