Thank You for Finding My White Claw and Various Antifa Sundries

Illustration for article titled Thank You for Finding My White Claw and Various Antifa Sundries
Screenshot: Twitter

For the past week, I’ve been staying in Portland, Oregon, and let me tell you—I’ve been having a lovely time. There is nothing quite like leaving New York in the first week of June to outside-agitate my way through the Pacific Northwest in the hopes of inciting some riots. I’m so thankful for Cynthia Nixon, who generously paid for my airfare.

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Still, my time in the Rose City hasn’t been a total bed of roses. Last night on the way home from secret antifa meeting, tragedy struck. I was walking along the sidewalk carrying a bag of groceries in one hand when I saw a straight-presenting white man driving on the road beside me. Horrified by the inherent violence, I stopped and stared, pivoting along with the vehicle as it drove past me.

And then I saw it.

There.

On the bumper.

A sticker resembling the American flag.

My safe space shattered, I entered a fugue state, losing all memory of the following 13 to 17 minutes that it took me to return home to the split-level I’d reclaimed from a family of five that had violently claimed it as their own before I got there.

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I was greeted at the door by my daughter, Global South, and my son, Transsexual, who promptly asked me what I planned to make for dinner. “White Claw and beans,” I told them, raising the grocery bag in my hand to the kitchen table only to realize that my hand had no bag in its grasp. I must have dropped my shopping bag after going semi-conscious. “Just kidding,” I told my children, whose father knows not of their existence. “You’re going to bed hungry. It’s what communism would want.”

When I awoke on Saturday morning, I opened Twitter on my phone to catch up on antifa briefings, which are distributed through the hashtag “#antifa” on all social media platforms. That’s when I saw that Portland’s local police force had tweeted about obvious antifa weapons recovered from recent Black Lives Matter protests in the city.

“That’s my White Claw,” I thought to myself, “and my can of beans.”

A comrade must have found my bag of antifa chow and the various sundries contained therein and used them to pelt the cops bearing down on them. A rush of feeling overcame me as if I’d attacked and dethroned god herself.

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“It felt like the greatest orgasm of my life,” I told Global South and Transsexual over our breakfast of water and revolutionary thought. “Now, hurry up and get dressed. We have the police state and/or the nuclear family itself to abolish.”

Freelance contributor

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DISCUSSION

This obviously true account shows antifascist are truly the Hitler. I don’t know how you can look yourself in the eye without a mirror, you atheist Satan-worshipper!