Hey. Testosterone, It's the Economy, stupid! Ha ha ha, okay yeah dumb joke shut up. So, just to make it clear: I'm not mad. I might be at a rough point in my cycle right now, but babe that is natural, (and on the plus side, no more unplanned bubbles for Ben Bernanke to pawn off on the overextended tax base!) Anyway, I wanted to talk because...see, I was reading that story about how too many weeks without some action could be enough to permanently lower your levels completely. On the plus side, I'd say your levels were sort of dangerously high to begin with. (Except over on Stevie Cohen's team — are they gay?) It got me thinking — and don't get testy now! — but remember a few months back when that friend of mine said you were treating me like just a "giant clitoris"?
I'm going to be brutally honest with you: she was totally right. I mean, that was, like, an epiphany. Don't deny it, you were thinking, if you did something really cool and top-secret and maybe in tandem with the G-spot or something, all would be forgiven, and the whole thing would be back in (heh) swing again. Which is why I have to tell you now, dude: I'm sorry, but I was faking the whole time. I thought you knew! I mean, I mean, I enjoy faking, it's one of the few things I'm really good at, but like...dude. The Las Vegas condo market? Enron? That time you gave me a 300 basis point rate cut and I had to pretend like, oh yeah baby, that hits the spot? Jesus Christ, T, did you learn nothing from that pathological faker you dated eight or nine years ago, the so-called New Economy? Yeah, fuck that slut; I'm telling you this because I love you: there is more to a lasting relationship than fucking, and for the next few ...months... fucking has to stop being a proxy for the health of our relationship because we are going to be going through a dry spell. I am not going to be in the mood. And for the last time, I'm not mad. I'm actually just sort of baffled by your predictability, and your inability — after ALL THESE YEARS — to respect me for my many parts and sectors. I know there is a lot of nuance to the signals I give out sometimes, and when I'm feeling bereft I sometimes communicate my emotional balance sheet in arcane and opaque language that it's unfair to expect you to interpret correctly, but dude, you are not gonna find a more straightforward communicator in any of the Asian markets. And the orgasm thing — it's all in my mind, I swear. So for the next few months if we can just stay in, maybe see some independent films, do crossword puzzles together, lower our carbon footprints, cut down on the Asian massage parlors— you'll actually enjoy all this because your levels will be lowered! — I promise we will hump like Eliot and Ashley in...no time!