Teens Have Ruined Juuling for Me, an Adult

As a general rule I tend to be an admirer of hypebeasts but mostly not one myself. But the hypebeastiest thing I have ever done, hands down, is jump on the Juul bandwagon. I began Juuling last year both in an earnest attempt to back away from my disgusting impulse to smoke a “realie” after imbibing even two sips of wine, and also because the Juul looked far more advanced than the clunky e-cigarette I bought several years ago at a 7-11 in midtown, back when one still had to travel a significant distance in order to find a 7-11 in New York City.

The Juul is not only a cool-looking bit of tech but it tastes good too, a characteristic that we now know is being blamed for the apparently scores of teenagers across the country who do not smoke cigarettes are addicted to nicotine via the Juul. It comes in multiple flavors—mint, sure, but also more sophisticated ones like mango and creme brulée, for those with discerning tastes. Cucumber, my favorite flavor, has the crispness of the mint but with a clean overtone that implies a nice plate of crudités or a raw vegan coleslaw, if that plate was made of nicotine. But you know what? I won’t be able to fucking buy it in stores anymore now. And you know why I won’t? Because of the TEENS.

So many teens are apparently so hypebeast-y for their Juuls, which are presumably wrapped in bootleg Louis Vuitton x Supreme collabo Juul skins as they toke up in their classes, that the government has become big mad at the Juul people, even though there are fucktons of more important things to be mad at right now. Ha! Of course the only government office doing anything to protect us is the freaking Food and Drug Administration. Anyway, in anticipation of FDA regulation, Juul’s removing all their delicious flavors from retail stores. The New York Times:

The decision by the San Francisco-based company, which has more than 70 percent of the e-cigarette market share in the United States, is the most significant sign of retrenchment by an industry that set out to offer devices to help smokers quit but now shoulders blame for a new public health problem: nicotine addiction among nonsmoking teens.

Juul’s announcement effectively undercut the Food and Drug Administration’s plan to unveil a series of measures aimed at curbing teenage vaping. The agency is expected later this week to announce a ban on sales of flavored e-cigarettes in convenience stores and gas stations and strengthen the requirements for age verification of online sales of e-cigarettes.

To prevent some users from reverting to menthol cigarettes, Juul said it would keep mint, tobacco and menthol flavors for its devices in retail stores.

This is some bullshit! As an old, everyone should know that going online and buying things that I am extremely used to copping at my bodega is hard for me, and as a person who was once a teen and remembers it well, the idea that putting something for sale on the internet is going to keep teens from buying it is extremely hilarious. Everyone is acting dumb as hell just because all these teens who got hooked on the Juul don’t know how to be cool about it, man. When we smoked bogies in high school we went around to the back of the school so no one would see; why you gotta be so extra and let the freaking FEDS catch wind of your nicotine addiction? THE TEENS OF THE WORLD NEED TO STOP SNITCHING!