Teen Talk Show Host Is Sick and Tired of President Obama Making Everyone Gay

Illustration for article titled Teen Talk Show Host Is Sick and Tired of President Obama Making Everyone Gay

Meet Caiden Cowger: He's a 14-year-old radio host who lives in West Virginia and is a rising star in the conservative movement. More importantly, he's apparently very eager for us to know that President Obama is the one to blame for everyone being gay. Interesting theory, young chap! With the kind of cocky confidence that only a young person who doesn't know shit about the real world can muster, Caiden reports that he is sickened, SICKENED, I tell you, by the fact that there are at least 30 teenaged homosexuals in his county that he knows for a fact chose to be that way. How does he know, you may ask? Allow him to explain:

I knew these kids. Some of ‘em I was friends with. I knew these teenagers when they were in elementary school. I knew them when they were in the beginning of middle school. And you know what? They were not homosexuals. They just decided all the sudden "You know what? I think I'm going to be gay.

Well of course they were not known homosexuals in elementary school, Caiden, because they were children… But I digress. He goes on to say what made their "decision" so easy:

Why they are becoming homosexuals, why they are becoming gay is because they're being encouraged by it. President Obama: "It's alright, it's okay, you were born that way!"

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Quite a catchy refrain—somebody get Obama and Lady Gaga in a studio ASAP and let's make this piece of pro-gay propaganda into a hot new track. Anyway, if you were worried that our current generation of hate-mongering blowhard radio hosts were going to die off and leave us with no one to boil our blood, fear not. Caiden Cowger is ready and willing to carry on the proud nonsense-spouting tradition that Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh began. And you know we can trust him because he just saved us all from being turned gay by the President.

Teen Talk Show Host Is Sick and Tired of President Obama Making Everyone Gay
This image was lost some time after publication.

Update: The original video was taken down, but here's the clip from TMZ.
[Via Towleroad]

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DISCUSSION

kyosuke
Kat Callahan

This explains everything.

You see. Barack Obama ordered a secret time machine built in 2009. In order to swell his voter numbers for 2012, he traveled back in time and personally made everyone I know who is LGBT, including myself, be LGBT.

For years I have grappled with my identity. I wondered if I was broken, if anyone would ever love me, and ultimately, who I really was.

Well thank you, Caiden. Now I know. I know it was Time Traveling President Obama who was responsible for genetically engineering me thirty years ago so that I would be LGBT and thus vote for him in his nefarious plans to become the communist-fascist dictator of the Socialist States of America.

Get this kid a nobel prize...

...for literature.