OMG the Heidi Montag issue of Cosmo Girl! keeps giving, like a full heaving bosom full of saline and strawberry Quik. And like, where would a Heidi Montag-lionizing issue be without a story on breast implants? Specifically, how boys your age really feel about them. The magazine finds seven guys to dish. "I consider myself a boob guy over a butt guy, so obviously I'd prefer bigger boobs," says 22-year-old Jay of Syracuse. But Brad, 19, of Philadelphia, feels differently! "I'd definitely date a girl with fake breasts," he says, "as long as they weren't too big." Elaborates Joe, 20, of Hawthorne, N.J.: silicone knockers that are "proportional" are okay, but only if they "help her" to "hold herself with just the right amount of self-confidence." Which is to say, not too much. Because there are all sorts of little reasons he might dump you anyway: among them, "Period Talk."
Nothing grosses a guy out quite like period talk. The tampons and panty liners — it's all so foreign to us. Plus, it puts a rather messy picture in our head.
FINE, fucktards, why don't we sit around and talk about what it's like to get a cut around half the circumference of your tit so a surgeon can stretch it open, shove a plastic falsie inside and pump it full of saline?
P.S., males of Generation X: thank you, if only for enduring puberty several years before the technological heyday of internet porn.