Ted Cruz Having 5 Affairs (and Breitbart Ignoring Them) Is My Favorite Rumor

“Three plus two equals five women.”
“Three plus two equals five women.”

On Tuesday, the National Enquirer released an article claiming that the judgmentally Christian Ted Cruz was rumored to have had up to five affairs while married to his wife Heidi. Further gossip suggests that Breitbart News knew this but, for some reason, did nothing with the information.


“Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” said “a Washington insider” to the Enquirer. “The leaked details are an attempt to destroy what’s left of his White House campaign!”

Yes, the National Enquirer is often garbage, but it has successfully outed the affairs of past presidential candidates, including John Edwards and Gary Hart—in other words, we’re allowed to take a longer look at this one, thank God.

Over the past two days, #CruzSexScandal has erupted on Twitter; numerous sources have claimed to have identified the women involved (they include one detestable Republican spokesperson), while others have confirmed the rumors. None of these sources are independently reliable, and the whole body of information points to a textbook case of mass hysteria, and/or my favorite sex scandal of all time.

One potentially notable aspect of the scandal, however, is Breitbart’s role. Early Friday morning a reporter for Breitbart named Allum Bokhari tweeted a cryptic message that seems like it could only refer to the Cruz rumors:

In February, Bokhari had also hinted that he had some kind of juicy Cruz gossip that was, for some reason, being held:


So why was he gagged (if he actually was gagged)? We know that Cruz has retained the support of former Breitbart editor Ben Shapiro, who recently left the news organization after it morphed fully into a Trump propaganda newsletter, but he doesn’t seem to have had this kind of control in the editorial process.


Bokhari has not yet responded to request for comment.

Image via Getty.

Senior Editor, Jezebel


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Imagine having sex with Ted Cruz