Ted Cruz Cooks Bacon On Machine Gun In Effort To Prove He Is Manly & Fun

Ted Cruz has done a number of garbage publicity stunts in his fairly brief presidential campaign designed to brainwash us into thinking he is a normal, likable man and not a Texas sewer weasel.

His newest stunt is perhaps the most unbelievably heinous — largely because his campaign advisors clearly were like, “What do Americans like?”, determined those things were brunch, bacon and guns, and said, “Fuck it, let’s put them all into one stupid video.”

“There are few things I enjoy more than on weekends, cooking breakfast with the family,” he vocal fries at the beginning.

The video, produced by conservative media outlet IJ Review, then shows some intern buying bacon, wrapping it around the barrel of a machine gun and covering it in tinfoil. Cruz fires off a couple of trendy rounds and, after noting that the floor is covered in grease, eats a very tiny bite of firearm-cooked pig product.

“Mmmmm, machine gun bacon,” he says before cackling a cackle that I will never be able to forget no matter how many drugs I swallow or therapy hours I clock.

Is this really how Texans regularly cook bacon? Is Ted Cruz telling the truth or is he a trash bag filled with wet hair?

The Guardian’s Adam Gabbatt checked with FoodSafety.gov to see if machine gun bacon was something that we could all try. It isn’t:

He also checked with a Smith and Wesson spokesperson who enthusiastically discouraged others from trying the cooking technique:

“I don’t think the gun is designed to cook bacon,” the rep said. “It’s not designed to do that and if anything bad was to happen it wouldn’t be covered under the warranty, that’s for sure.”