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Tech-Obsessed Jerks Care More About Their Dumb Phones Than Their Wedding Rings

Illustration for article titled Tech-Obsessed Jerks Care More About Their Dumb Phones Than Their Wedding Rings

Adults these days! According to a new survey, Americans report that they'd find it more stressful to lose their phone than they would to lose their wedding ring, because one is a symbol of an everlasting commitment and the other is just a chintzy piece of jewelry some priest said magic over.


America's sanctimonious luddites better stretch out whatever muscles they use to complain loudly about the link between technology and moral decay in this country, because this hits all of the favorite targets — fancy phones, the declining importance of marriage, and the sort of person who gets into arguments about electrical outlet usage in Starbucks.

The survey, conducted by Intel, found that 87% of people would be stressed out by losing their cell phone, compared with only 77% who say they'd be upset if they lost their wedding ring. The only thing more crazymaking than losing the ability to Instagram pictures of your food before you eat it or advertise to the world that you once received expensive dishes and serving utensils from distant relatives is losing your wallet. As far as I'm aware, "a child" wasn't one of the items on the "Which thing does it suck most to lose?" survey. At least, I hope it wasn't.


But that's not all that the 2,500 person survey discovered. Most people, it turns out, ascribe the same sort of emotional attachment to their phones that they'd normally feel toward their pets or friends (unfortunately, due to excessive attachment to smartphones, most Americans no longer have time to have pets or friends). It just feels better to travel with your trusty cell phone at your side, or in your pocket, causing friendly phantom vibrations to run up your leg.

Survey respondants also reported something called "outlet rage" when they're traveling, which is that junkie-like feeling tech addicts get when they really need to check their email, just a little taste, man, but someone else is using the power sources to check their own email like a jerk who doesn't understand that the outlet rager's feelings and desires are more important than everyone else's feelings and desires.

Anyway, the next time you drunkenly lose your cell phone in the back of a cab and spend the next 24 hours seriously stressed out and enraged at yourself, remember — you're not alone. You'll get a new phone. There are plenty of Words With Friends-enabling fish in the sea.


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Okay, here's the real test of how much you love your spouse, do you know their number by heart?

I only know a handful of numbers, my childhood home number, my cell (personal & home), office number and my sister's phone (and that's getting hazy). I don't know my mom's, dad's other sister's or roommate's numbers.

Okay, I think I'm beginning to understand the stress if I lost my phone.