Target Frantically Debuts Free Shipping to Woo Holiday Shoppers

The holiday retail wars are upon us! Macy’s kicked off the melee by announcing they’d open at 6 pm on Thanksgiving; now Target says free shipping will be available for every damn thing on their website until December 20. Go right ahead and order that sack of Dove chocolates for your honeybun’s stocking.

“We believe our free shipping offer will create excitement and incremental sales for Target,” the company’s chief merchandising officer told the AP. Translation: Order from us, not Amazon! We’re so much more than buzzy capsule collections that break your heart by immediately selling out! We have toys, too! Look at all these toys! What about some very stylish duvet covers? Here, take this giant bottle of Lubriderm! Shop for pajamas in your pajamas!!!

Target is, of course, still trying to patch things up after last year’s massive consumer data breach. Shortly after the hack was revealed, a Nordstrom Rack damn near descended into chaos after my aunt expressed concern about being checked out on one of those handheld credit-card machines. That’s how freaked shoppers were. Nobody wanted to go to Target. Bet the new CEO is really excited for his holiday season. No pressure, dude.