One commencement speaker really can't provide all the wisdom today's graduates need in this crazy world. That's why our textual analysts have combined favorite lines from the 2010 speeches of sixteen luminaries into the mother of all graduation speeches!
Celebrities make lots of money, but in return they're forced to submit vague and confusing apologies to the media whenever they do anything wrong. The latest example: Tiger Woods's sorta-kinda admission of infidelity. Our textual analysts take it from here:
Men are so mysterious — how come they like cars so much? And sports? Our textual analysts examine how a typical pop-science gender piece explains the answers to these questions — in dumbed-down language our poor female brains can understand.
Sarah Palin's farewell speech to Alaska/her senses on Friday seemed poorly thought-out and confusing. After three days and an exhaustive treatment by our crack team of elitist, unreal American textual analysts, it's — still poorly thought-out and confusing.