Images You Should Not Masturbate To

This helpful, jerkoff-guiding tome by Graham Johnson and Robert Hibbert cannot come one moment too soon! We’ve been indiscriminately masturbating to every photo we see!

Some of you prudes may think this book is totally unnecessary, and perhaps even a sign that publishing is truly dead. Au contraire. Allow the publisher to explain why this tome is so useful:

Is your coffee table too open to sexual encounters? Put this book on it for the perfect anti-libido conversation piece. Are you having someone over to visit who’s way more into you than vice versa? Buy this book to cool those lascivious jets and drop the hint.

Yes on all accounts! Usually, we just tell unwelcome suitors to leave our residence, but why bother to talk when you can say it with a passive-agressive coffee table book?

We admit, some of the images in this book are a bit confusing. If we aren’t supposed to be turned on by this picture of a dog in a wig, why is he giving us a saucy, come-hither stare?

Thats more like it. Nothing screams “stop touching yourself” like a photo of a lobster pinching a human finger. Presumably, due to licensing issues they had to include this rather than a photo of Betty Draper threatening to cut Sally’s fingers off.

Speaking of awful parents, this is just the book to leave out when they visit. If your mom keeps pestering you about why you aren’t dating anyone, put this on your bedside table. She may not get it, but she certainly won’t be asking any more questions about your screwed-up sexual proclivities.