Well, I did it. I filled the whole bag.

It has been a WILD day in Washington, lemme tell ya...

Perhaps you’ve noticed all over the internet today that it’s Barack Obama’s birthday, which, in the state of Illinois, is officially “Barack Obama Day” [excuse me while I sob], a day to reaffirm human capacity for empathy and the viability of healthy long-term relationships (just guessing). This prophetic 2006 Oprah…

The internet is lighting up with fuzzy videos of two people who appear to be America’s first couple the Obamas bouncing at a concert by America’s first couple the Carters in a skybox in Maryland on Saturday–which is not unlikely, since Michelle also took Sasha to the On the Run II tour in Paris earlier this month with …

Just in time for summer—if summer ever comes, that is—Barack and Michelle Obama are putting in a pool! TMZ is reporting the couple’s $8.1 million Washington D.C. home “is undergoing construction for a new swimming pool” as I type this.

Barack and Michelle Obama, the adults in the room we never fully appreciated until they were gone, are in “advanced negotiations” with Netflix to produce a series of shows that, as near as I can tell, will provide soothing background noise as we pack dirt around the walls of our nuclear fallout shelters.

Barack Obama no longer has to spend his free time chained by the trappings of the presidency, so instead he spent Thursday hanging out with about 50 middle schoolers at the Boys & Girls Club of Greater Washington in Northeast DC. It seems like everyone had a nice time, except maybe the small child in his lap, who…

We all wish Barack Obama would come back to us for just one more day, an hour, a minute, a SECOND. Over the weekend, Saturday Night Live captured our depression in musical form, with a Boyz II Men sendup dedicated to the former president.

Barack Obama, now just a regular schmuck like you and me, is once again subject to the mundane civic exercises that we as Americans must endure, or at least do our best to avoid. Turns out that for all his successes as president, Obama was hiding another useful talent: getting out of jury duty.

Yesterday, Lady Gaga made an appearance at the One America Appeal concert benefit for victims of recent hurricanes in Texas, Florida, Puerto Rico, and the US Virgin Islands. Above is the official portrait, with her fans. The image has gone viral.

Former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter–bygone reminders of leadership with dignified hair–are holding a country-themed disaster relief benefit concert at Texas A&M this evening, and prettymuch everyone thinks Donald Trump wasn’t invited. It’s a concert to…

The Obamas have chosen Kehinde Wiley and Amy Sherald to be the first black artists to paint presidential portraits for the Smithsonian. Both artists are well-respected and well-placed in major museums (Kehinde Wiley’s work has auctioned for over $100,000), but still the selections clearly recognize American race and…

If you ever walk into a high school classroom where there’s an empty chair and a camera crew rolling, you can bet your Lunchables that Barack Obama’s in the house. Yesterday, our old buddy-in-chief B.O. dropped in on a McKinley Technology High School class in Washington, D.C. because, what the heck, somebody told him…

CNN reports that it has obtained the letter Barack Obama gave to President Trump on Inauguration Day. The traditional presidential hand-off letters are eventually made public, but CNN claims to have gotten it from someone Trump showed it to, as he does to White House visitors. Describing it to ABC News in January,…

Great America Alliance, a pro-Trump PAC, has taken a snippet from Barack Obama’s audiobook Dreams of My Father out of context, in an effort to convince black voters to vote for Republican nominee Karen Handel in Georgia’s special election.

Once upon a time, the United States of America had a dignified President who successfully connected subjects to verbs multiple times a day. Tonight that former—I’m sorry, I need a moment after typing that word—president, Barack Obama, received the John F. Kennedy “Profile in Courage” Award in Boston. And during his…

After taking a few months off to relax and probably talk shit in private about the mess America has gotten itself into, Michelle Obama returned to the public eye for a speaking engagement in Orlando this week.

On Monday evening, bloviating sexual assailant Bill O’Reilly returned to the public for the first time since his ejection from Fox News. On a free edition of No Spin News—generally reserved for premium members of his website—he performed martyrdom with demure pomposity. And the show, by the way, was extremely boring.

Our most recent intelligible president Barack Obama had a lot of joy to spread, if you can remember that feeling, during his visit to the University of Chicago on Monday in his first speaking engagement since leaving office to go get tanned.

From our vantage point, it looked as if Barack Obama had a nice, refreshing vacation from watching the free world crumble day by day, which is truly amazing for both him and Michelle Obama. But let’s focus on what’s important here: me.