Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Swimming With Ryan Lochte Is the New Swimming with Dolphins

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Only four days left to hop into the blue and get gnarly with Ryan Lochte. I'm pretty sure that's what he calls doing laps for Hurricane Sandy relief. What a man! The auction is at $9,500 right now so you gotta act fast while it's reasonable and totally worth it.

Listen, I'm serious. One of you has gotta be rich enough to afford this — just think of how awkward and uncomfortable it'll be when you're almost-naked and swimming breast stroke-to-breast stroke with America's #1 sex idiot. So fun! Oooh, or, you could take this amazing opportunity to create the prom you never had! Obviously it'll be "Under the Sea" themed, that part's easy. Other than that, all you'll need to do is show up in a mermaid costume with a wetsuit tuxedo for Lochte. The two of you will stare vacantly into each other's eves while swaying (in the water) to the sweet sounds of the Little Mermaid Soundtrack. When the hour is up, the lights will abruptly turn back on, and when your eyes adjust, you'll realize Lochte is gone — was that real life? Or just a dream? A big dumb delicious dream? No matter.

You're sold, right? Great, make sure to tape it and send it to me (NOT for masturbation purposes). So that you may make the most informed purchase possible, I've pasted the auction rules below. Please note, emphasis mine when shit is extra ridiculous and/or hilarious.

You and your guest will join Olympian, Ryan Lochte for a swim lesson and lunch in Gainesville, Florida.

Ryan Lochte has 11 Olympic medals to his name, including 5 golds, as well as 7 NCAA championships, 51 major international medals and a handful of world records. He is considered by many to be the best swimmer in the world, praised for being well-rounded with both his short course ability and amazing talent for travelling incredible distances while kicking underwater. As a winner with style, Ryan has been featured on magazine covers, in commercials and on television...Jeah!

Terms: Valid for 2 people in Gainesville, Florida. Winner must provide at least 2 weeks advance notice for scheduling. Lesson is for 1 hour. Valid through December 2013. Based upon availability. To be scheduled at a mutually agreed upon date. We expect all winning bidders and their guests to conduct themselves appropriately when attending an experience won at Charitybuzz. Polite manners and respect for the generous donor and adherence to any rules or parameters are a must. Winning bidder and guest(s) subject to security screening.

Shipping and Handling: [Ed.: ?!] The minimum shipping, handling and applicable insurance for this item is $9.95. Additional shipping charges may apply based upon the location of the winner. Hard copies of tickets, travel certificates and merchandise are shipped via FedEx or professional shipping service. Detailed redemption information for non-tangible items will be emailed to the winning bidder.

Donated by: Ryan Lochte

Good luck!

Ryan Lochte: "I can teach you how to swim! Or just swim with you" [Hairpin]