This is back when Paul Walker might have still been somebody and when "being somebody" was synonymous with presenting at the MTV Movie Awards.
Last nite, Mr. Scarangella (Gentleman Scarangella since he's not my mister?) and I went out for Mexican. Everything was going great until we came home and he stunk up the bathroom. That absolutely killed the mood for me. When he expressed a desire to have sex, I laughed. A lot. I felt bad, but I also felt like I couldn't help it. The laughs just kept coming.
Anyway, so instead of sex, we ended up just lying in bed and talking. He said, "Because I'm drunk I feel like I might say things I shouldn't." I said, "Well, you know what I say, a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." He said he was afraid I'd get upset. I told him to "Try me." and while I didn't get upset, the things we talked about did make me think.
For example, he said that he's sometimes thought about breaking up even though he claims not to have a reason to and that the only reason would be I'm not completely what he's seeking in the looks department as I'm overweight. But mere minutes after saying this, he brought up how he can totally see himself marrying me, maybe in five years if we stay together that long. But he isn't sure. But he is sure. And on, and on, and on...
I told him it's much too early to be discussing marriage as we only just celebrated our six month anniversary last week. He told me about a girl he knows who was single in September but is now engaged. I said that might be fine for some girls, but not me. I want to be absolutely sure I'm sure.
We then talked about other things but the marriage stuff came up a couple more times. He said some conceited things that I'm sure he was joking about but one thing I don't think he was joking about is, "You're not going to find another guy like me." And this is the problem...
If that's true, I'm alright with that. I'm alright with being alone. In fact, I recently told a couple of my friends how I think I'm too broken, too damaged, for marriage. If that's not true, then maybe I would look for someone else to marry, I don't know. The only thing I do know is that I do not want to marry him.
When I was little and would go clothes shopping with my mother, I was always picky about which outfits I wanted to purchase. She would tell me, "You don't have to marry it!" I took this to mean that it doesn't need to be perfect, you don't need to love it, etc. But, if you are actually marrying it, you would. He's not that perfect outfit. I don't think we're as good a fit as he seems to think. I didn't tell him this though, because everything in my head sounded so mean. I wanted to say, "You would be more sure of our relationship if my weight/looks matched exactly what you want. Well, if my weight/looks were different, I wouldn't be with you." What's a nice way to express my disinterest without causing us to break up?