Suggestions For The Folks Behind The Jimmy Choo + Uggs Collaboration

Dear Tamara Mellon and Angel Martinez: Happy New Year! Loved hearing that you two are thinking of commingling brands. An $800 Choo-Ugg thing would be just perfect for this fall. We thought we’d offer you some pointers. OMG crowdsourcing!

First of all, we know this probably goes without saying, but you’d do well to acknowledge right off the bat that your customers think of your companies as having two very different images. One thing you have in common is that lots of celebrities wear your products. This is good! People like to imitate celebrities. But the thing is, when celebrities wear Jimmy Choos, they look elegant and put-together. (For the most part.) Well done, Tamara.

But when they wear Uggs, they tend to look like they just hopped off the back of the Poison tourbus. (Also: homeless.)

You need to let people know that you know that they know that you’re only doing this for money — and at $595-$795 a pair’s worth of sweet, sweet skrilla, we hardly blame you — and not play it off as though you had this up your tailored sleeves all along. Uggs and Choos are not a match we can accept as preordained, like Balenciaga and Jennifer Connelly; you’re more Lindsay Lohan and Ungaro. Those of us expected to buy and wear these things will respect your honesty on this tricky matter, promise!

We’d suggest an ad tagline like “Opposites Attract.” (Or: “Choos Uggly For A Change.”)

The truth is, even since before you wrested control of Jimmy Choo, Tamara, the company has always had this very classy image. Slumming it with H&M doesn’t even appear to have hurt. People just love Jimmy Choo. The elegance of the slender heels. The softness of the leather. The technical balance on the wearer’s foot.

And Angel, never forget that your shoes make a lot of money.

You’re right, Angel. You’re totally right; you’re probably sniffing, ‘You know, there are greatnesses to which we do not aspire.’ And your feelings are valid. Tamara has her off days. This much is understood. You’re here to help each other make something new and superior to either of your individual efforts, something that just might turn the footwear industry on its head. Imagine elegant Uggs. Imagine comfy, soft, sheepskin Choos. Just take a minute and think of the implications of what you’re about to do!

Next suggestions: Call them “Chuggs.”

And remember, always ask yourselves, ‘Is there some way to get a pet wear line out of this transparently mercenary collab?’