You knew Mike Huckabee wanted to quarantine AIDS patients after that girl got AIDS from her faggy dentist — but did you know that girl actually probably just got AIDS from one of the same boyfriends who gave her "large" vagina that case of genital warts? And you knew Huckabee pushed to release a murderous rapist despite the written pleas of numerous victims — but did you know that in his time as governor of Arkansas he released, like, pretty much everyone who had ever committed a violent crime? Okay, and now you know he's leading by 12 points in Iowa, right? Megan and I click our heels and try to make it go away after the jump.
Me: Hahaha, so is it this day in particular that's making you stabby, or does that just happen to still be as true as the day you made it your away message?
Megan: Well, the day I made it my status message was yesterday, and yeah, it still happens to be true. Mornings are not my bag, baby.
Me: Okay, you know what? No one gives a shit if I make a clever segue. It's too fucking early. Here's the issue of the day: Mike Huckabee. He's everywhere I go. On the cover of Newsweek and on Drudge and on the Huffingtonpost, which claims Drudge has been keeping him a secret from us for so long because he secretly backs Romney, even though I totally read that he backs Hillary...all the readers keep sending us links about how he's such a hateful blah blah blah and there he is on the Washington Post website.
Megan: Oh, yeah, you're not getting away from him that easy.
If nothing else, the fiscal conservatives are running scared of him now, and have started their own attack ads and shit. It's crazy.
Me: Well today someone on Drudge is claiming the Democrats like Huckabee, because he's easier to beat than Romney. But tell me again what Romney has going for him besides his shitloads of money and "anchorman hair"? Wait, nevermind, let me not get sidetracked
Megan: How is Romney going to steamroll Hillary? Mormon underwear, people. Plus, he can't beat Huckabee.
Me: Okay, so let's get back to him and his AIDS quarantine. Huckabee as a senate candidate fifteen years ago said that he wanted to quarantine people with AIDS, as if it were tuberculosis or some shit, I'm guessing because he thought gays and promiscuous black basketball players should be forced to fuck amongst themselves and not infect the rest of the populace with their evil perversions? Because the whole thing sort of defies logic. And on a side note, let me just say that that this whole thing is ruining 1992 nostalgia for me.
Megan: All I can say is that in 1992 I was a freshman in high school, and in 1991 AIDS education in my junior high was working really hard to debunk myths such as you get AIDS from toilet seats because people still really believed that.
Me: Oh wait, holy itshay, did you know Kimberly Bergalis wasn't even infected by her flaming dentist? She totes had SEX.
Megan: With two whole different men!
And got HPV and genital warts. Condoms people, condoms
Me: Maybe more! She had HPV. And that was wayyyyy before everyone had HPV.
Megan: oh, everyone's had HPV forever, just no one knew it
Also, though, I love how the medical report lists her vaginal opening as "wide"
Me: Maybe she was into fisting!
Megan: Way to make me cross my legs in horror first thing in the morning
How about everyone that wants to vote for Huckabee go look at this picture and then come back?
Me: Um MOMENT OF SINCERITY: when you read stories like this about Huckabee soaring in polls, closing gap w. Giuliani etc., do you feel a twinge of intense sadness that John McCain is still in the race? And that you have to keep looking at his name. Remember when Gore wanted him as a running mate? God he should have switched teams then.
Um, like most people he looks better when photographed in black and white?
Megan: I do, but then I remember that he took on all of Rove's dirty tricksters and bag men and made kissy-kissy with the evangelicals for the cameras so as not to repeat the mistakes of 2000... and thereby sacrificing everything that made him a good candidate ever.
OMG, I think that picture is so very The Shining
Me: OMG totes. We should make a graphic. Except I don't know how to do that because I don't have photoshop and/or skills. Holy shit it's Huckabee 32-Romney 20 in Iowa.
That's on the news right now.
Megan: Romney's been working over Iowa like a really talented masseuse for well over a year now, so that's mega
But, it's still all about personality. People don't like to feel less than their politicians
Me: Yeah and who would really want a massage from Mitt Romney? I hate people with that weird dead look in their eyes. That's the thing that Huckabee has going for him. There's a glint in the eye. The thing is I look at Huckabee and the glint I see is "friendly Mafia enforcer"
Megan: I see, person who really believes in shit I think is crazy, which is scarier. Like, at least a mob enforcer is doing it for the money or not to die. I think Huckabee is doing it because he believes, and that's what makes him likable and scary at the same time.
Me: See, I don't know. People say that about certain people and I'm like, you know..... who wants to quarantine all the homos and yet grants clemency to ten times as many rapists, murderers, etc. as Bill Clinton ever did. That's what I don't get. It just doesn't add up. Unless he knew that everyone else in the running for Leader of the Free To Be Batshit Christian Right was a closet queen and that if he stuck it out long enough he'd eventually Get All The Power. Maybe I'm missing a piece. I mean, I guess, if you truly believe, then you don't really have to be logical or anything. But something about him suggests some sort of fundamental cynicism. Maybe that's just a stapled stomach.
Megan: He was so fat he broke a chair.
I'd seriously do whatever if I broke a chair with my big fat ass, up to and including surgery.
Though I would prolly choose the lap band.