Study Finds That Men Who Drink Are Actually Better In Bed

So it turns out that alcohol consumption, once thought to be a leading cause of poor performance in the bedroom, actually improves a man’s sexual abilities, according to a recent study of 1580 Australian men.

“We found that, compared to those who have never touched alcohol, many people do benefit from some alcohol, including some people who drink outside the guidelines,” says Dr. Kew-Kim Chew, who led the study at Western Australia’s Keogh Institute for Medical Research. After studying the habits of 1580 Australian men, it was found that men who drank within recommended guidelines had 30% fewer problems during sex than teetotalers, and, according to Clair Weaver of The Sunday Telegraph, “Even binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who never drank, although this type of drinking can cause other health problems.” And if that isn’t wacky enough, ex-drinkers were the ones with the highest rates of erectile dysfunction. (That sound you just heard was a million guys, giving up their New Year’s resolution to drink less. Or perhaps a “WTF” sigh from your straight-edge boyfriend.)

There’s no real reason given for the increase in performance that alcohol provides, though one would suspect a sense of relaxation and a lessened sense of anxiety helps a bit. Though it’s important to remember that men who drink inside the recommended guidelines have the best performance, so if DrinkyPants McGee corners you tonight and tells you how awesome drunken sex with him will be before he vomits all over your shoes, starts singing “Sweet Caroline” and then begins to cry about the dog he had when he was 7, you might want to consider some other options. I’m just sayin’.