Starbucks Will Now Sell You All Of Your Liquids

Coffee megachain Starbucks has announced that it’s paid $30 million (or the price of approximately ten trenta pumpkin spice lattes) to acquire high-end juice company Evolution Fresh. According to the Wall Street Journal, this is all part of it’s plan to expand and achieve world juice domination:

Evolution Fresh juice is already carried on the West Coast in grocery stores such as Safeway, Costco and Whole Foods, and Starbucks plans to extend the brand to more retailers, including its own cafes. Starbucks also plans to open juice bars next year that will sell the Evolution Fresh brand as well as health foods.

Poor Jamba Juice is probably weeping in a janitor’s closet somewhere right now. On the one hand, this plan sounds kind of nice. Starbucks is convenient, and they’re not that evil, as giant corporations go. Plus, they’re trying to serve us something that’s good for us.

On the other hand, don’t we have enough Starbucks in our lives already? If they go wild with juice bars (and health foods, which sound a lot less exciting than the megascones and artisan breakfast sandwiches they currently sell), we’ll eventually have no choice but to switch to this all-Starbucks all-liquid diet. If you consider there is already basically a Starbucks serving coffee on every corner, and eventually there will be a Starbucks juice bar kitty-corner from all of those. That leaves only two remaining sides of every corner. The third side is likely already a bank branch, which will probably be owned by Starbucks soon enough. Then instead of our old debit cards we’ll just pay for everything in our lives with Starbucks gift cards! And on the last remaining side of the corner, the only logical thing to do is for Starbucks to open a chain of bars—because alcohol is the only liquid that’s left for them to sell. Plus, we’ll all be so jacked up on coffee and healthy juice that we’ll need someplace to go blow off some steam. Maybe they could call it Starbucks After Dark. Bottoms up!