Illustration for article titled Starbucks To Begin Selling Individually Sized Coffee Vats

Responding to what I can only assume is overwhelming consumer demand for MOAR COFFEE, Starbucks is going to begin selling its 31-ounce "trenta" size in US stores on May 3rd. America, fuck yeah!


If you're anything like me, your office has shitty, shitty coffee, and you spend most weekday mornings making your giant morning tub o heart attack water last for as long as you possibly can. Once the coffee runs out, you mournfully stare at the empty cup, occasionally lifting and shaking it in hopes that the invisible caffeine gnomes have appeared to refill your cup, but they never come. They never come.

With the introduction of this new size of coffee, all of our problems will be solved! I'll have a few more ounces of sweet nectar of life to sustain us through the morning. We'll learn to love again. We'll stay awake for the precious moments that make life great.


Either that or I'll spend every day jittery and paranoid, snapping and chattering at my coworkers like a coked out mynabird.

What will you do with 31 ounces of coffee, commenters?

Starbucks 31-Ounce Trenta Size Set For US Debut [Reuters]

Image via AP

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I will be purchasing trenta iced teas and maybe, when I need a treat, trenta milkshakes (by which I mean frappuchinos). People are all, "oh support the local guy, Sequined!" Fuck you, Starbucks is my local guy. Starbucks coffee is consistent and I have a giftcard and they have internet and I love them, so everyone who hates them HATES ME.

And furthermore, have you ever had their cupcakes? Their top pot old fashioned donuts? Their Portland coffee cake? If these things aren't the signs of a benevolent God and corporation, then I guess I don't understand the universe.