Spike Reminds Us Of The Kind Of Guy We Should Avoid 365 Days A Year

Illustration for article titled Spike Reminds Us Of The Kind Of Guy We Should Avoid 365 Days A Year

Keeping it classy as ever for the holiday, Spike.com has released a list of "The Top 10 Girls To Avoid At A Halloween Party." And yes, it's just as horrible as you think it is.


Angela Chase once claimed that she loved Halloween because it was her "one chance all year to be someone else." This, I suspect, is true for most people, who jump at the chance to be a vampire or Sexy Alexander Hamilton or a giant Cup of Noodles come October 31. But ladies, if this article proves anything, it is that a dumbass bro in costume is still a dumbass bro, and no costume is great enough to cover the stench of douche that emanates from the type of man who would read this article (and find it hilarious.

The author, David Breitman, attacks feminists (naturally—women as human beings, what?!), women who wear masks (clearly covering up a "butterface," the author notes) and "fat chicks," who, the author has many choice words for. This section is so unbelievably bad that it actually out-douches the paragraphs about not sleeping with underage girls because the "she dressed like a whore" defense is no longer holding up in court:

Large women are a lot like killer whales. Desperate for attention, consume massive amounts of raw fish, and need to be taught right from wrong on a pretty regular basis. By sleeping with a chubby gal who thinks that her double D breasts are, in any way, attractive is just fooling herself. If breasts, regardless of size, are propped up by a sumo-sized stomach, it doesn't count as sexy and by looking at them you're just re-enforcing bad behavior. Do you want to be part of the problem? Or part of the solution to try to get fat girls off of the streets and on a one way sewage barge to Australia.

This is the kind of thing we have to put up with in a Tucker Max world; this shit is considered to be "hilarious!" by the folks at Spike, who push their idiotic brand of testoste-bro misogyny on the rest of the world in some weird attempt to equate being a "real man" with hating any woman who doesn't fit their dumbass 19-year-old frat boy model of femininity or attractiveness. This isn't just a "funny" Halloween article for the bros (another point off—it's not even funny. Jokes about Colin Farrell movies? In 2009?), it's also another excuse for bro culture as a whole to push their "shut up, bitch" agenda as far as they can.

Breitman advises his readers to "try a playful line like 'Hi, I'm Dave - Can you please take your mask off so I can make sure you're not ugly?'" What he doesn't realize is that he's just taken off his own mask to the women of the world, and ugly doesn't even begin to describe it.

The Top 10 Girls To Avoid At A Halloween Party [Spike]

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This image was lost some time after publication.

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Hazey Jane

From 10 on their list:

Sure, we all see girls at the gym and think "Man, with a little more work on her abs and a paper bag over her head, I would totally sleep with that chick if that sexy blonde that makes her want to become bulimic turns me down..."

So, the stereotypical "butterface", according to these guys is ugly, jealous of much better looking (in their eyes) girls, and probably wants to have an eating disorder. Plus on top of all of that, she still needs to work on her abs. But they'd maybe sleep with her anyway. Classy.

I always wonder what the authors of these types of articles think they bring to the table. Do they have the bodies and faces of underwear models? Are they multi-billionaires in disguise? Do they think they possess some sort of brilliant intellect and wit (and why doesn't anyone point out they don't)? Not that having any of these qualities gives them a pass to talk about women the way they do, but it puzzles me why these by and large overwhelmingly "average" guys think they appeal at all to the women who meet their lofty standards of attractiveness.