Spencer Pratt Gained 50 lbs Eating His Emotions

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were back on TV last night for an E! special about being destroyed by reality TV. Spencer is full of regrets—and pie. He admitted he turned to pie to cope with being so hated and unemployable after The Hills, packing on 50 lbs. Oh, and he also admitted that the couple isn’t broke and their recent bankruptcy headlines were merely a ploy to make more money. So he’s full of regrets, pie, and shit.

On E!’s Aftershock: Heidi & Spencer, the couple made an attempt to reveal what’s been real and what’s been fake during their seven years in the spotlight. They never really filed for divorce nor did they blow their fortune anticipating the Mayan apocalypse. (Although they do regret spending $2 million on Heidi’s ill-fated music career and another $1 million on clothes.) They are not living in poverty, but rather, rent-free in Spencer’s parents $5 million beach house in Santa Barbara. They reportedly earned $500,000 for three weeks worth of work on Celebrity Big Brother earlier this year, and still get the occasional Vegas hosting gig.

But in lifting back this curtain to reveal the “real” Heidi and Spencer, their redemption narrative seem less believable.

These people are weird. Not because they’ve played the system, colluded with producers to machinate reality personae, or made a living teaming up with tabloids and photo agencies to exploit those creations and lie to the public. That, actually, is what passes for normal in modern entertainment.

No, they’re weird because they’re still together after seven years, happily married in an industry that’s notorious for splitting up families. It’s weird that they became rich and famous as teenagers but didn’t get hooked on drugs. It’s weird that they are so articulate. It’s weird that Spencer prioritized his education. It’s weird that they’re apparently stable.