Oh, noooooo! 76-year-old heartthrob/former Italian Prime Minister/alleged patron of underage prostitutes Silvio Berlusconi is going off the market, having become engaged to his 27-year-old girlfriend Francesca Pascale.

Says the man of your dreams, "I am engaged to a Neapolitan, it's official. She is 27 years old, with very solid values, beautiful on the outside and even more beautiful on the inside. She is very close to me, she loves me very much and I feel the same. My daughter Marina appreciates her and loves her very much too."


So what will you do now that your fantasy of living out your days tanning on a yacht with a corrupt old Italian billionaire who loves to dress in all white have been dashed on the rocks of the Amalfi Coast? Buck up and be happy for Silvio, I expect, for finding what has now been lost to you forever.

"Finally I feel less lonely," Berlusconi said in a statement meant to break your heart. This is his third marriage and he already has five children. Let's — no matter how much it hurts — be the bigger person and wish him and Pascale the best through our tears. Auguri! (A-boo-hoo-hoo!)

Berlusconi to marry 27-year-old girlfriend [The Independent]