I have a head cold and a racist Keebler elf crossbred with a lying troll is still the Attorney General of the United States. HOW’S YOUR WEEK BEEN?
In this week’s Shade Court, famous teens do a thing, Catholics are not known for their subtly and why must the universe test me so?
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000028
The Case: This case involves a bunch of people I will bet money you’ve never heard of and will immediately forget after reading this. Savannah is the “star” of a reality TV show about her, um, eccentric dad and their family. All you really need to know is she 19 with a mighty sense of entitlement and doesn’t seem to have much to do.
Bella Thorne is a person famous for...something. I probably come across her name once a week and still have absolutely no idea what she does and I won’t be finding out now.
Chandler Parsons is an NBA basketball player.
OKAY SO, Savannah and Chandler sparked a friendship via social media. Savannah claims she’s gone to a game and that Chandler is a “fun person to hang out with.” The two have also gone out to dinner. All of this has incited gossip amongst people who care that they’re dating. Savannah, desperate for attention, fanned the flames of said rumors during an interview with her father.
A couple days later, Bella Thorne, who was recently went on a trip to Mexico with Parsons, showed up at his game dressed like this.
While that was happening, Savannah sent out these tweets:
And there was this:
Perhaps most tellingly, however, the reality star shared an Instagram Live video in which she wondered aloud whether fishnet stockings should be allowed to make a comeback outside of as a Halloween costume.
WOOOO. You got all that? No? Doesn’t really matter.
The Defendant: Us Weekly
The Deliberation: For my own sanity, I need to point out that both of these women are 19 years old while Chandler Parsons is 28. I also need to point out this passage from Us Weekly:
Savannah, who could barely contain her giddiness, explained that she and the basketball star had only been getting to know each other over a “couple weeks,” but acknowledged that she thought their friendship was the “start of something good” because he refused to let her pay when they went out to dinner.
And THIS is why 19 year-olds and 28 year-olds should maybe not be dating. Girl, that ain’t that special. Paying for a meal is, indeed, a nice thing to do, but that’s pretty standard shit. Plus, the man is rich so it was really very little skin off his back.
I wasn’t able to find the video of Savannah and although I deeply doubt her ability to be remotely subtle, I feel like I might have to give it to her. If delivered properly, casually discussing the appropriateness of fishnets while that girl is sitting courtside in a fishnet onesie could be rather effective. I don’t tell you your fishnet onesie is tacky, I just wonder out loud to myself in front of all my Instagram followers if your fishnet onesie is tacky. That’ll do.
On the other hand, Bella didn’t do a terrible job herself, though I’m not sure how much of this was shade rather than simply marking her territory. Showing up to the game just wearing the man’s jersey would have been shade enough to get your point across.
I’m feeling generous today and until footage of Savannah’s little musing surfaces to prove otherwise, she can have this.
Also, a word the as-wise-as-you-can-possibly-be-at-age-19, no man is worth engaging in a social media feud for and a young NBA player in his prime is probably going to leave you both eventually.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000029
The Case: Two priests got into a disagreement on Twitter about trans rights. Jesuit priest Father James Martin expressed his support for trans students. Another priest, Father Matt Bozovsky jumped in and offered an opinion that does not seem very Christ-like to me!!!!! (I made my First Communion so I’m allowed to say that, right?)
The Defendant: BuzzFeed
The Deliberation: BuzzFeed specifically argues that Father Bozovsky’s response to Father Martin is shade, but it doesn’t take the Young Pope to see the author has absolutely no idea what they’re talking about.
I checked my first-edition copy of the History of Shade and “Um...this is a joke right?” has never in the history of the planet led to, or been a part of an instance of shade.
Further, I feel like we’re ignoring the important issue here which is that this priest doesn’t think supporting transgender people is the Catholic thing to do. I’m really not sure why we would be “living” for this. This is quite sad, actually!
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000030
The Case: George W. Bush has been out here trying to promote his book of paintings/show the country that while we may have hated him, at least he’s better than Donald Trump. Too bad we’ll never forget about the Iraq War, buddy!
In an interview with Matt Lauer, Bush said a few semi-interesting things:
“I consider the media to be indispensable to democracy…Power can be very addictive.”
“I am for an immigration policy that is welcoming and upholds the law,”
The Defendant: Huffington Post
The Deliberation: Oh George. I dislike you deeply but I can admit your promotional tour has been rather entertaining. My favorite was when you brought up your daughter’s arrest on a morning television show. Hahahaha, privilege and money!
The problem here is Lauer was specifically asking Bush about Trump’s policies. He didn’t slip in some non sequitur about how great the First Amendment is at the end of the conversation. Giving a smart ass response to softball question designed to elicit this exact reaction does not constitute as shade.
These were clever—and likely rehearsed—jabs obviously crafted to target Trump. If that wasn’t enough, Bush later claimed he didn’t mean to criticize Trump with his statements, which is about the most cowardly response I can imagine.
Dude, he said you were the worst president in history! He spent much of his campaign coming up with new ways to disrespect your brother! I don’t expect much George but, Jesus.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000030
The Case: Oh, you know.
The Defendant: Mashable
Me: Hello, God? Or whatever higher power turns out to exist?
Higher Power: Hey there, Kara.
Me: How’d you know it was me? [Pause] Oh, duh. Is there a way I can just bounce?
Higher Power: You mean, die?
Me: Well, no. Dying does not sound like the move. Is there some sort of existence where I’m not on Earth, but I’m not dead? Maybe I float around in some other dimension, untouched by the absurdity of this world?
Higher Power: Easy there, I created that world.
Me: You done fucked up.
Me: Hello, Richard Branson?
Richard: Yes, make it quick. Barack wants to play chicken in the infinity pool.
Me: Of course. I’m checking to see if you have any scheduled flights to Mars?
Richard: Not at the moment, you see, [blabbering science talk].
Me: Ugh, what’s up?
The Devil: Just chillin’. [Laughs maniacally at ironic pun]
Me: Can I come down there? I feel like it can’t be much worse than this place.
The Devil: Oooh, sorry honey. We’ve never had this many volunteers before—the Americans are swarming us! We’re all booked up at the moment.
Me: SCREAMS INTO THE ABYSS!!!!!!!!!!!
The Ruling: Are you fucking kidding me?