Snooki Has Given Birth to a Future President of the United States, Probably

Illustration for article titled Snooki Has Given Birth to a Future President of the United States, Probably

The secret Nobel laureate Nicole PolizziSnooki, in common parlance — has finally completed the last phase of a prolonged social experiment to evaluate just how strong the phenomenon known as Sopranos withdrawal was by observing first-hand what sordid depths television audiences would sink to in order to get their Italian-American stereotype fix has given birth to a baby boy, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle, future Rhodes Scholar, Heisman trophy winner and wearer of kaleidoscopic Lacoste polo shirts. Sadly, a Snooki rep. heralded the young man's foray into the sensory reality we call "the world" with the following ignominious tweet: "The world just got another Guido!!" With that, an oft-glamorized and derided stereotype passed from one generation to another. [MTV]

  • Katy Perry reportedly (so probably not really, but we can gossip, can't we?) turned her button nose up at a $20 million offer from the mind-control symbiotes that produce American Idol, which prompted TMZ to remind everyone that Mariah Carey is only getting $18 million to be made uncomfortable by amateur performers and add that omg TMZ would be totally PISSED and jealoussssss if it was Mariah Carey, but maybe Mariah Carey is above all such pettiness. [TMZ]
  • Katie Holmes is teaching her daughter how to ride a bike via the safe method, i.e. not taking Suri to the top of steep hill and telling her, "Watch out for cars" before gently nudging her down and letting her learn at the hands of the greatest cycling instructor there is — Elbow Scrapes. [Us]
  • Nobody wants to rent a house to Nadya Suleman because she has fourteen fucking kids and odds are at least a few of them are irresponsible with permanent markers. [TMZ]
  • Anna Faris has also produced a male heir to Chris Pratt's puppy-dog likability. [People]
  • Betty White says that she's as old and chipper as she is because she eats junk food and stays active, and even though she acknowledges that she should eat healthier, she probably figures that, at this point, fuck it. [People]
  • After Joan Rivers took issue with Rihanna's revelation about still loving Chris Brown, Rihanna tweeted some jokes about Rivers being old and, therefore, incontinent. Rivers responded by asking Rihanna to be a guest on Fashion Police. [E!]
  • Usher has won custody of his sons from his ex-wife Tameka Foster, meaning that he'll be providing them all with 24-hour dance instruction. [WaPo]
  • Dancing in the Dark singer Dev may have filmed a grainy, night vision sex tape that some sleazy go-getter is currently trying to sell to the highest-bidder. [TMZ]
  • Philadelphia is getting all kinds of excited for Jay-Z's "Made In America" music festival over Labor Day Weekend. In other news, Philadelphia is still not better than New York, despite what all those shoulder-chippers may try to tell you. [AP]


Doug Barry

snooki is definitely a secret genius