Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

There were not nearly enough sluts at Amber Rose’s Slutwalk in Los Angeles on Saturday. The event had 15,000 registrants but the crowd felt more the size of a high school dance. I decided to ask some unnecessary cops milling around how many people they thought were in the crowd. One cop said 500. One cop said 300. One cop said 150. (I thought the LAPD would be better at guesstimating the size of a protest, but alas.)

A little background: Slutwalk started in Toronto in 2011 after a police officer publicly suggested women stop dressing like “sluts” if they want to be safe on campus. Whoops! (The cop later apologized.) And a movement was born, as they lazily toss off in news reporting.

Oh, and a little background on Amber Rose: she famously dated Kanye West some years ago and also she is practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins, if Mary were a self-proclaimed slut. Earlier this year, on a radio show, Kanye said, “It’s very hard for a woman to want to be with someone that’s with Amber Rose…I had to take 30 showers before I got with Kim.” (Isn’t Kanye just the best? Don’t you wish he was your husband?) And a feminist was born. Since then, Amber teamed up Slutwalk and that’s how we got to this here protest.

Now to the fun stuff: THIS WAS THE BEST PARTY I’VE EVER BEEN TO, YOU GUYS. You think I’m kidding? I’m just gonna slam through a list of awesomeness:

Free pink champagne in the VIP area
Lots of boobs
A 6-months-pregnant Bonnie Rotten
Amber walking on stage to “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes
Condoms, condoms everywhere
Not too many guys
Great Fashions
Tiny cups of peach cobbler

And look who I met:

Janet Mock! She says “Hi!”

Matt McGorry! He gave a nice speech and was taller than expected.

Tess Holliday! Those earrings! Again, very nice, practically perfect in every way.

There were dancers:

And models:

And glorious teens:

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign:

I also met Amber. For real. Shook her hand and everything. She said, “We’ve met before, right?” and in the moment it felt like we had so I just rolled with it. She is perfect. Her skin is perfect. Her voice is perfect. She was so nice and she ate more than one hot dog for lunch. I felt too embarrassed to ask for a photo with her, which is so dumb because taking photos is basically her job, but I wasn’t too embarrassed to do this:

You may notice that I have a ton more makeup on in some photos than others. That’s because I saw an empty makeup chair and jokingly strolled up to it like “Do de do, just another 18-year-old model here!” and luckily the makeup artist had a sense of humor. I asked her to “just do whatever you’d do if I was famous” and she said, “Okay.”

In the end it felt disgusting but looked incredible.

The funniest thing I noticed was that while we were marching the block-and-a-half from the start of the protest to the main grounds (I thought walks were supposed to be longer!) all anyone did was chant and apologize for bumping into one another and stepping on toes. It was a chorus of “Sorry, sorry, excuse me! Sorry.” Women, am I right?