Single? Hate Your Parents? Bring This Guy Home for Thanksgiving

Many may dread going home for the holidays, but how many of us are actively seeking an opportunity to torment our families by bringing home precisely the sort of guy who would push all their buttons? For the right woman in Nashville, consider your prayers answered.

“It’s Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long, insulting conversation about how youre still single? About how your parents really want more grand children? Well, look no further!” begins the entreaty in an East Nashville Craiglist post under casual encounters titled “Alone on Thanksgiving? Mad at your dad? Read on…”

The poster wastes no time establishing his bona fides:

I am a 28 year old felon with no high school degree, and a dirty old van one year younger than me painted like Eddie Van Halen’s guitar. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on if i shave. I’m a line cook and work late nights at a bar. If you’d like to have me as your stictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I’m game.

For the woman whose family is expecting her to bring home a real catch, such a guest is a lovely way to repay them for years of criticism, low expectations, judgment, or just plain old invasive prying.

Seriously, he really does look the part:

And based on the list of services the poster will render, he seems well-versed in the art of disappointing others. Upon request, he will:

openly hit on other female guests while you act like you dont notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, i dont drink, but i used to. alot. too much in fact. i know the drill).

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see.

I don’t know about you but that sounds like top-tier tormenting.

Where he goes wrong, and I suspect this is part of why he’s even selling himself in this way (duh if-it-is-even-real caveat), is that he undervalues his own services, which would easily fetch a pretty penny in this market, so close to D Day. You see, dear reader, he doesn’t want a dime to aid you in enraging your own family by helping you pretend to have a loser boyfriend. He just wants a free meal.

I require no pay but the free meal i will receive as a guest!

See now, you were all set to laugh it up at this Eddie Van Halen van felon guy but now you just feel kind of sad and empty inside like he is a really nice guy with a good sense of humor who just wants to hang out with a real family, even a shitty one, in exchange to pretend to be your boyfriend, just to get some turkey and sweet potatoes. And that only means one thing: You will fall in love with him, he will become a real boyfriend, a good one, and you will write about the experience, get a book deal, sell the film rights, and this will turn into the greatest rom-com of all time IF it doesn’t end up in heartbreak all because of the fact that you never really believed he was good enough for you in the first place and it will slowly erode everything you built up together leaving you totally and utterly alone again. And still mad at your dad, who really ended up liking the guy after all.