Welcome back to Missdemeanors, where we issue a virtual spanking to the internet's most popular gossip bloggers for their Crimes Against Womanity. So obvi, the worst crime committed this week, was the posting of Britney's period stain on x17. I am not even going to link to that shit. For shame. Also, which brand of tampon is she using because that is kind of some insane leakage. Anyhoo, the bloggers whose offenses will be ticked off this week include Rian at The Skinny, Perez "I'm A Big Fat Fake Kid Lover" Hilton, and basically everyone else on the web, because GODDAMN, it was a bang out misogynistic week. Let the Jezebel Justice System BEGIN!
The Charge: Just pure, dumb, old-school, completely unoriginal sexism.
The Accused: Tyler Durden of
Points for good behavior: To be fair, Tyler Durden was totally a preeminent Thucydides scholar before he went into the paparazzi photo captioning business. NOT.
The Sentence: Hey, Jezebel is looking for a new "That's So Jane's" columnist...
The Evidence: "Please let this be true! Having another pet baby right now is exactly what Britney Spears needs."
Points For Good Behavior: Perez is such a confused little bugger. Most of his posts go on and on about how bad a mother Britney is, how sorry he feels for lil' Sean Preston and Jayden James, how those sweet boys need real love and affection from a mom who can and will give it. Yet he takes glee in the possibility that Britney might have another. And he's not even kidding or being "satirical" like these other douche rags claim!
The Sentence: I hope his dog runs away.
The Charge: Actually Analyzing A Pregnant Woman's Belly As If She Was Getting Fat
The Accused: Rian from The Skinny
The Evidence: "OK, I'm confused. Jessica Alba only recently announced her pregnancy and claims to not be very far along. However, every time we see new photos of her, she has gotten bigger. It seems like she is literally growing before our eyes! And I don't mean she is getting fat - I mean her stomach and overall figure is getting larger every time we see her."
Points For Good Behavior: WTF? She's pregnant. She is growing, but only appears to be doing it before your eyes, because you never take your eyes off of her, Rian. Eventually a watched pot will fucking boil, you twat.
The Sentence: You know, an 80lb weight gain during her own pregnancy (if it ever happens for her, that is) might do Rian some good.
The Charge: Fat-ernizing
The Accused: Nick the Editor at CelebSlam
The Evidence: "Pierce Brosnan is living it up with his wife Keeley Shaye Smith this week in Hawaii. That's Keely above shortly after she jumped into the ocean . . . In unrelated news, a 60 foot wave just hit Tokyo." And then, responding to a comment that Pierce had a hard time losing his first wife and that Keely clearing makes him happy, Nick says, "So because Pierce has suffered some hardship in life, he's now off limits? Bullshit. That's not the woman he married. The Keely Shaye Smith he married weighed about 200 pounds less."
Points For Good Behavior: This is a sorta classic example of gossip bloggers not even attempting to be satirical or funny with their evil sexist fatism. Granted, Keely Shaye Smith is a curvy woman. She is also fucking gorgeous. And this is a fucking horrible picture of her. Go fuck yourself, nick.
The Sentence: A year on the MasterCleanse diet — and all of the "butt juice" that comes with.
The Charge: Having Fun With Rape Jokes
The Accused: Diabolical Jesus Martinez at Drunken Stepfather
The Evidence: "Rachel Bilson is just one of those girl you'd see in the club and totally want to slip the date rape drug into her drink. She's small and that makes it easier to pull her out by her hair without anyone asking any questions." He goes on and on for four paragraphs, so if you want to see the rest of this shit show, click the link.
Points For Good Behavior: I think I need to get rid of this category and call it "Why We Shouldn't Just Kill This Person". If that was the category this week, I think you know where I'd stand. NO REASON.
The Sentence: If I was as evil and racist and sexist and piggish as Drunken Stepfather, I would say something about him being deported. But I'm not, so I won't.