This week in Shade Court, I continue to be completely incapable of avoiding discussions about other people’s butts, as Kim Kardashian makes a repeat appearance and Taylor Swift’s ass—or lack there of—comes into view.
Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000018
The Case: After Kim Kardashian’s latest grab for attention, Naya Rivera, who you may know as the young lady who looks a lot like Kim Kardashian but is not Kim Kardashian, left the following comment on Kim’s Instagram post.
The Defendant: Complex
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Naya immediately loses points for a completely tired insult. There many things a person might call Kim Kardashian out for, but trying to shame her for being both naked and a mom is lame. And let’s be honest, North West has a whole hell of a lot more to worry about than her mother showing her ass to the world for the 77th time. Kris Jenner is her grandmother, people.
I feel like Naya probably thought she was being clever or subtle by not outright slamming Kim and trying to act like she was concerned for North. I will say that it was mighty shady of her to just post a comment on Instagram, as that photo likely had tens of thousands of comments already. But the comment itself, not being remotely subtle, doesn’t live up to its shady execution. Alas, the shade is not present here.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000019
The Case: Blah blah blah Kim Kardashian, ass, magazine. You know the story at this point. Shortly after the now infamous Paper magazine cover dropped, Naomi Campbell posted a photo to Instagram that several readers felt could be interpreted as shade being thrown at Kim.
The Defendant: Naomi Campbell
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: So let’s recap: This is a photo shot by the exact same photographer who shot the Kim Kardashian cover, this pose is fairly similar to the Kim Kardashian cover and Naomi posted this right after the Kim Kardashian cover came out.
It also helps to know what Naomi shaded the hell out of the Wests before over their Vogue cover. When asked what she thought about it, Naomi basically couldn’t stop laughing. The whole thing was a masterful level of both disinterest and contempt and is one of the many reasons why Naomi Campbell is a queen.
Personally, I think it’s her British sense of humor coupled with the fact that she so ardently believes she’s better than just about everyone she interacts with that makes Naomi Campbell such an excellent shade-thrower. There are so many levels to that Instagram photo and Kim Kardashian may be the only person who understood every last one of them.
The Ruling: Shade as it should be thrown
Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000020
The Case: Two weekends ago, a group of four men and four women were gathered together when, for some reason, the following question came up: Would you prefer to live your life out normally and die whenever, or go to the moon at age 65 and die right away? All of the women in the group chose the latter option, while the men went with the first.
Some time later, one of the women present (IT’S JIA IT’S JIA!) tweeted this:
Jia emailed me asserting that the following response warranted the title of Shade.
The Defendant: Max Silvestri
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: Jia feels that Max is suggesting that all of the women in the group chose the moon option because they didn’t want to live out their days on Earth suffering the impacts of prolonged exposure to gravity. AKA: those bitches are afraid of getting old.
Max uses an exemplary technique here by making his comment about the dog, thereby deflecting his shade just enough to make you wonder who he’s really talking about for just long enough that the meaning of the shade sneaks in. And he might have gotten away with it too, but not when Shade Court is in session, my friend.
The Ruling: Shaaaade
Shade Court Docket #2014JZ000021
The Case: Diplo is currently dating Katy Perry because, damn that woman has a type. As we know, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are not exactly friends. We also know that Taylor Swift is a rather slender gal. It seems that Diplo felt it was his duty to help out his girlfriend’s frenemy by trying to raise money to buy Taylor Swift a new ass.
The Defendant: Us Weekly
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: At first I thought that Diplo had created this fundraising campaign himself. Not that that makes it any better, but you would sort of have to admire the effort he put into making fun of some girl his girlfriend hates. A few twisted romantic souls might even find it sweet.
However, Diplo simply tweeted the link to a campaign started by someone else, so any shade that might be present cannot be claimed as his own.
I rarely trust Us Weekly’s declarations of shade and this time is no different. I’m not sure who told them that the definition of shade is “an obvious and unoriginal public insult,” but someone needs to sit them down for a remedial shade course. Naomi Campbell is probably available.
The Ruling: Not shade
Images via Getty.