It is Friday which means it is Shade Court time which means justice is being served which means I am making the world a better place and you are all participating so congratulations to us all!
In this week’s Shade Court, Drake gets back at Madonna, The Carters do what they want and E! wants me to have a brain aneurysm.
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000085
The Case: Beyoncé and Jay Z spent the weekend in Florence because they are very, very rich and can jet off to Europe like it ain’t a damn thang because it really ain’t to them. However, the specific timing, occasion and location of this trip have set off many a shade alarm.
The Defendant: Beyoncé and Jay Z
The Evidence: The Carters were in Florence for the wedding of billionaire hedge fund executive Noam Gottesman and Biance Dueñass, director of sales for Reed Krakoff. So the couple attended a wedding in Florence over the weekend that also happened to be Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s first wedding anniversary. You’ll remember, Kim and Kanye got married one year ago in Florence in a ceremony that Beyoncé and Jay Z did not attend.
The Deliberation: An important thing to remember here is that one year ago when Beyoncé and Jay Z skipped the wedding, it wasn’t because they were on tour or had some pressing engagement that they couldn’t get themselves out of. They were literally just chillin’ in the Hamptons taking selfies.
We don’t know why exactly the Carters didn’t attend Kimye’s wedding, but most reputable sources point to the fact that they didn’t want to be filmed or involved in madness of the E! circus and also that neither is a huge fan of Kim. Either way, they didn’t go, but they sure went to another lavish wedding in the same damn city over the same damn weekend.
Now, I don’t actually think this was wholly deliberate shade—I doubt that the Carters attended this wedding specifically to throw shade at Kim and Kanye—but the impact was felt nonetheless. The Ice Cold Carters.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000086
The Case: Mariah Carey, rather unsurprisingly, does not look back upon her American Idol days with a shred of fondness and has no problem saying as much.
The 45-year-old pop diva, who recently began her first concert residency in Las Vegas, said in a new interview that the reality show and singing competition series is “boring” and “fake” and that her time co-judging one season was the “worst experience” of her life.
The Defendant: E! News
The Evidence:
The Deliberation: At this point, it’s hard to even bat an eyelash at the bullshit that E! identifies as shade. The real problem I have here is that this egregious misuse is directed at one of the queens of shade.
Mariah Carey gives you textbooks full of shady content simply by rising each morning and continuing to exist and you go with this dirty bathwater of an excuse? Highlighting this is like eating an artichoke and throwing away the heart.
It’s like going to an open bar and ordering beer.
It’s like inviting your crush over to watch a movie and actually watching the movie.
WHAT’S THE POINT? WHAT IS EVEN THE DAMN POINT? YOU’RE IGNORING THE BEST PART.
The Ruling: Not shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000087
The Case: Madonna tried to eat Drake’s face at Coachella and then said dumb things about it because Madonna was absent on the day they were handing out chill. When asked about the kiss, Madonna said: “I kissed a girl, and I liked it.” OK. Hilarious.
I’m going to take a completely tame guess that Drake did not like her answer.
During the first show of his Jungle Tour in Houston, Drake omitted all references to Madonna in his song, unhelpfully titled, “Madonna,” and substituted them for “Rihanna.”
Here is a video with some incredibly annoying audio glitches of the swap.
The Defendant: i-D Magazine and ComplexThe Evidence:
The Deliberation: Drake would be good at shading people.
You know what I like about Drake shade? All he does is drop one little seed and wait for everyone else to do the work for him.
This largely works as shade because, while it’s not incredibly subtle, one could make a solid argument that he wasn’t trying to insult Madonna. The change could have been an innocent reference to Rihanna—one of the two women who he’ll love forever, but are much more likely to run off with each other. Perhaps, additionally, he just wanted to mention a pop star who is more relevant to a crowd full of Houston-area Drake fans.
If pressed, he could probably talk his way out of an offense by simply proclaiming that he’s got “nothing but love” for both women and just wanted to “switch things up a bit” and we all know Madonna is a legend so it’s “nothing but respect all around.”
Still, because you know Drake was all in his feelings about Madonna’s dumbass jab, the the best conclusion is that this was his way of getting back at her.
The Ruling: Shade
Shade Court Docket #2015JZ000088
The Case: A$AP Rocky dropped a new album this week. On it, he has a song called “Better Things,” which includes a vulgar attack on Rihanna’s understudy Rita Ora:
I swear that bitch Rita Ora got a big mouth
Next time I see her might curse the bitch out
Kicked the bitch out once cause she bitched out
Spit my kids out, jizzed up all in her mouth
And made the bitch bounce
The Defendant: Global Grind, VH1, Hollywood Life, a lot of people
The Evidence:
The Deliberation:
No.
Never.
Die.
The Ruling: Not shade and pretty fucking misogynistic to boot!
Contact the author at [email protected] .
Images via Getty; Fox. Top image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age.