Sexytime Talk: Two Pump Chumps and Condom Whiners

Illustration for article titled Sexytime Talk: Two Pump Chumps and Condom Whiners

Whether it's your first time or your 500th, sometimes sex can throw you for a loop. Sometimes that's part of the fun; other times, you're left scratching your head. Luckily, our resident sexpert Karley Sciortino - AKA Slutever - is here to help. Got a sex question for her? Email her at slutever@jezebel.com.

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I'm a 24-year-old girl and I'm freaking out about my sexuality. I've had sex with about 10 guys and have never even come close to having an orgasm during sex. Sensations feel good, especially if I've had a few drinks, but I'm starting to think I'm asexual or something since I can't cum when I'm with a partner! PLEASE HELP!

- Sarah

Ninety percent of the questions I receive through this column are essentially asking this same question: "I'm a girl, I can't cum during sex, WTF is wrong with my vaj?" Well, I'm sorry to say it, but there's probably nothing wrong with you. And if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: vaginal intercourse just isn't very conducive to the female orgasm. Like, how the fuck am I expected to cum when there's a dick ramming into my vagina? Talk about distracting! Thanks for nothing, evolution.

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I'll make this very clear. Generally speaking, just shoving a dick in-and-out of a vagina does not feel good for the girl. That just feels like we're inserting our tampons on repeat forever until the end of time. Most girls need a soft, repeated motion on their clit for at least ten minutes in order to cum. Another effective technique is for the guy to insert his finger into the vagina with his palm-up, and then, while being conscious of accurate placement and pressure, make a "come here" motion. (Note: this is a maneuver that a penis cannot achieve, unless you're Mr. Gadget.) If we're really turned-on or on MDMA or something, sometimes cumming is a bit easier, but normally it takes some considerable time and effort to make a girl climax.

So Sarah, my professional advice to you would be to try out being a lesbian. Why not, ya know? Girls are better at making other girls cum, because they understand what's going on in the relevant areas. Also, girls are generally more sensitive, caring and patient than men, which makes them better lovers. Also, being gay is edgy.

However, if girl-on-girl really doesn't do it for you, then why not just start masturbating with your partner? That still counts as "cumming during sex," because sex is more than just the in-and-out part, it's all the stuff that happens around that, too. (Enlightenment moment!) I didn't cum during sex until I was 22, which was the year that I realized I needed to stop waiting around like a delusional idiot and take matters into my own hands. Literally. I interviewed a porn star recently (she has asked to remain anonymous, for professional reasons), and she told me that she's never been able to cum during a scene, and always has to fake it. However, what actually makes her cum is to lie next to her boyfriend and kiss while she uses her Hitachi Magic Wand. (#ModernLove) See, porn stars: they're just like us!

I need advice on how to convince male paramours to wrap it up without being seen as "unclean" in some way. I've encountered a frustrating amount of men who claim to be clean, who are only convinced to use a condom after I mention I'm not on the pill. And then they proceeded to bitch about how uncomfortable it is! I'm about to enter a polyamorus relationship with a new gentleman, and I have no idea how to bring this up in conversation without sounding presumptuous.

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Help,
Jaisley

People who sleep around and don't use condoms are idiots. And let's be honest: yes, condoms can be kind of annoying, but they're not that bad. There are worse things in life. Like AIDS, for example. Also, if a guy complains about condoms being uncomfortable, just explain that they don't feel amazing for you either, because the latex dries up the natural vaj juices, making your vagina even more of a desert than having this conversation already has.

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Also, I wouldn't worry about coming across as presumptuous or "unclean," because that's just a sign that you're succumbing to his peer pressure. Sure, if I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy and we got tested together, and I was on the pill, and he continued to insist on using condoms, then I might feel the need to question him — like, "What skanks are you fucking behind my back?" sort of vibes. But other than that, it shouldn't be an issue. And if a guy is so naïve or manipulative as to make you justify wanting to use condoms, then he deserves to be lied to. Just tell him you're one of those crazy anti-abortion people, and that you can fuck bareback but that if you get pregs you're having his baby. (And naming it Blue Ivy.)



I have an extremely high sex drive. I'm horny ALL the time, which I have no problem with. My partner and I have been together almost three years now and I really love having sex with him. There's only one problem: he cums WAAAAY too quickly. Especially in the morning. I prefer sex in the morning because I'm not half dead from a long day at work. I've tried everything: blow jobs, different kinds of foreplay, even condoms, but nothing works. Sometimes I just give up after he has his happy minute and go have a shower. I hold nothing against him as he's not circumcised, and I understand that makes things a lot more sensitive. But how can I make him last longer?

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Thanks!
Rhiannon

First of all, if a guy is cumming too quickly during sex, giving him a blow-job beforehand is definitely not the answer. Unless you're accidentally on purpose scraping your teeth against his dick during it or something. Also, being uncircumcised is not an excuse, as the majority of men in this world still have their foreskin. The bottom line is, if you're not cumming during sex, and your boyfriend is cumming after one minute, then he sucks in bed and needs to make more of an effort.

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I was once in a very similar situation to yours. I dated a guy who would cum at the speed of a nine year old, and I was horny all the time. I would pester him for sex constantly, to the point where he would get annoyed and tell me that my desperate need for sex stemmed from my own insecurity and constant need for attention. I started to worry that I was a sex addict. But then I realized that the reason I was constantly horny was because I was never actually satisfied by our sex, which left me always wanting more. So basically it was his fault, not mine! (As always.)

So, my advice would be to try to transform your sex life so that rather than having short, unsatisfying sex multiple times a day, you're having more involved, fulfilling sex less frequently. Work out a time when you both have at least half an hour free to really focus and have fun. Then, make sure the foreplay centers around your crotch rather than his. If he can't handle having his penis touched without cumming everywhere, then hold off on touching it for a while, ya know? Just be a bit selfish, basically. 
 


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DISCUSSION

tastesgoodtoo
tastesgoodtoo

Just in case Sarah, Jaisley and Rhiannon are reading these comments, I thought I'd try my hand at some better advice (I'm getting my PhD in Sexuality and Relationships, so while I'm not an expert, I think I'm better than a layman—-ba-dum-bum-ksshh).

Sarah—It's really not uncommon for a woman to need more than P-in-V intercourse to orgasm (and if you're into sex at ALL, then you're definitely not asexual—that's a totally different thing!). Current research suggests that the ability to orgasm from penetration alone is due to the length and placement of a woman's clitoris. If it's higher up, then when the penis pulls down on the skin around the vulva, it doesn't pull as much on the clit. If it's lower down, yes, you guessed it, the penis pulls more on the clit and blam-o, orgasm. This may also be why women prefer larger/longer penises—the further it goes in, the more the tender, sensitive skin around your clit/vulva/labia is pulled. The woman-on-top position can be really good for this—it provides deeper penetration and as an added bonus, if you're both sitting up, your clit will come into more contact with his stomach/pelvis providing internal AND external stimulation. As for your problem: if you have a current partner that you're consistently having sex with, this is definitely something you guys should talk about together. A lot of masculinity is tied up in sexual prowess, and while it may sting at first when you tell him that what he's doing isn't working for you, he'll feel super proud of himself when he gets you there. Of course, your orgasm isn't about making him feel like a good man, but it's a lot easier to achieve orgasm if you and your partner are working together. You can try a number of different things—bringing a vibrator into play while he's inside you, using your hand, using HIS hand, longer foreplay, watching porn together, etc—but what's going to work the best is simulating what happens when you masturbate and achieve orgasm all by yourself. A friend recently gave me some brilliant advice. She told me that she'd never been able to cum from penetration until she used a vibrator in bed while she and her beau were having sex. Once she learned where she felt an orgasm internally, she and her partner slowly learned how to stimulate that internal area and achieve orgasm without the vibe. Maybe that's something that you and your dance partner could try. Whatever you decide, it's important that you and your partner communicate. It may be awkward and uncomfortable, but by talking about your own sexual pleasure, you may find that you're more comfortable in the actual doing and spend less time worrying about achieving the big O and more time feeling all the wonderful sensations. A lot of women have a hard time staying present while having sex and worry about a million little things like, "oh god my stomach is jiggling in a weird way" or "this is never going to work, I'll never cum during sex". Sex is a physical thing that you do with your body, so practice clearing your mind and just focus on the actual physical sensations. Maybe that's not a problem for you, I can't really tell, but it might be something to consider. You should also be aware that a lot of penetrative sex can dull the sensitivity of your clit (especially positions in which his pubic bone is hitting yours!) so you might want to consider the "Nice guys finish last" rule—spend some time doing things that are totally pleasurable to YOU regardless of how likely they are to make him cum. If you're not with a steady partner, explore different ways of making yourself cum on your own. You don't need to be terribly open with a one-night stand but saying things like "I like indirect pressure on my clit, like this" or "I like using my hand while you're behind me" can be really fulfilling for both partners and can help you try out the stuff you've learned. Whatever you decide to do, just know that there's NOTHING wrong with you. Figure out what works for you, and go with that.

Jaisley,

If you want to use a condom, insist on using a condom. I don't know many dudes that would flat out turn down sex just because you want to be safe. If you feel pressured, just remind yourself that using a condom is something you're doing to protect yourself and stick to your guns. Sure it doesn't feel as great and sometimes they break, but worrying about getting a disease while you're boning doesn't feel great either. If you're worried about how to bring it up, you can try a couple of different tactics. You can try making the concern all about yourself, by saying something like "I just want to make good choices for myself" or "I'm trying to be responsible and make better choices and I want you to help me do that by using a condom". You can also make the focus of the conversation about preventing pregnancy rather than disease. If you're on the pill, that's your business and no one else has to know. If you're not (or if you are and decide not to tell him about it), then giving your partner the whole "Do you really want to have kids together? Do you want to spend 18 years paying child support for one night of condom-free sex? " speech might do the trick. If you try both of those and your partner is still pressuring you, call him out on it. There's no reason that dudes should feel entitled to play russian roulette with your vagina, and if you tell him that he's being a jerk for pressuring you or whining about it, it might be enough shame to get him to act like an adult. It's YOUR health that he's risking (he's risking his own health, true, but he's got a right to do that, but he definitely doesn't have the right to put you at risk). If, after all that, he's still acting like a child that doesn't want to wear a coat to play in the rain, dump his ass. If he's fighting you so hard about wearing a condom (which is something that everyone over the age of 18 should understand is like looking both ways before you cross the street) then he a) clearly doesn't care about your wellbeing and b)is so focused on his *own* pleasure that he's probably not going to listen and respect your wishes when it comes to other sexy stuff (like stopping something you don't like or listening to you when you say you're not up for having sex). Again, most guys aren't going to say "Oh, well, if you don't want to have sex without a condom I guess I'll take my raging boner and go home" if you really put your foot down. That whining is a bluff—if things are hot and heavy, most likely he'll cut his losses and agree to using a condom. If he doesn't, then you've dodged a bullet. Oh, and always have your OWN condoms so he can't use their unavailability as a reason against using them.

Rhiannon,

This is a sticky situation (literally!). Your guy is probably really aware that he's cumming too quickly and might be really upset about it. This is something you guys should talk about—-but be gentle! He might be embarrassed or self-conscious, so try not to focus on how unhappy or unsatisfied you feel. Explain to him that you want to help him learn to last longer so that you can have lots of fun together, remind him that it doesn't make him a bad partner and that you care about him. He's got nothing to be ashamed of (just like women who can't cum from P-in-V have nothing to be ashamed of!). Talking about it is going to be rough no matter what (and will probably take more than one conversation), but if you guys can be open and honest with each other, it'll benefit you both. There are a couple of different things that you can try, together and separately. First, you could encourage him to masturbate more often. This may help, it might not, it really depends on the root cause of his pre-mature ejaculation (maybe he produces a lot of semen, maybe he's really nervous in bed the anxiety throws his body into overdrive). He could try withholding his own orgasm while he masturbates by stopping (or thinking about something totally unsexy, like work) when he gets close. This can help strengthen the muscles around his penis (Kegel exercises aren't just for women!). He could also try doing the same thing when he urinates—the muscles that contract during orgasm are the same muscles that help us stop the urine stream once it's started. Second, you could try different positions. Positions that are really pleasurable for women, specifically, generally aren't as great for men. Have you tried being on top? Rather than doing the old up-and-down on top method, try rocking or grinding against him while he's inside you (it'll feel good for both of you, probably, but stimulate his penis less). If you've tried that and it still doesn't work, you might think about asking him to tell you when he's close so that you can slow down or take a break all together. The woman on top position has the added benefit of putting you in more control of the motions and speed, so you could try some fast-slow-fast-slow thrusting/grinding. Another option is trying out tantric sex. Tantric sex can help both of you gain better control of when and how you orgasm—a lot of it involves learning about physical and mental ways of delaying orgasm. I'm not an expert on it, so I can't give you a lot of specifics regarding exactly what to do, but there are a ton of resources on the web. If he's particularly closed-off about learning how to hold back his orgasm or just doesn't want to talk about it, put your orgasm first. Making fingering/oral-sex a bigger part of your sex life might be the best compromise. If he cums really quickly during sex, to the point where you don't cum at all, then switching around the order in which things happen makes a lot more sense (and isn't selfish at all!). Ask him to go down on you or tease your clit or whatever it is that gets your rocks off BEFORE he penetrates and loses steam. Then, once you're done, return the favor and boom! You're both happy and sweaty and out of breath.

No matter who you are, or what your sexy problem is, honest, open and non-judgmental communication is your best chance at dealing with it. Don't point fingers, don't accuse, don't use put-downs or passive aggressive techniques. Don't expect your partner to magically know how to touch you. There's absolutely NO truth in the idea that if you and your partner are good together/right for each other/soul mates, the sex will automatically be mind blowing. Everyone has different likes and dislikes in bed, and taking the time to learn what makes your partner, the individual, sing from the rooftops is really what's going to improve your relationship both in and out of the bedroom.