PR companies trying to shill shit for women email us with their announcements, hard sells and hoopla. The result? A smattering of what people think women (or we) want. Crap emails from publicists, after the jump.
According to these press releases, women are supposed to believe all kinds of crazy things, like:
People will like you better if you serve fancy tap water! (Emphasis ours)
Looking for the ideal gift basket companion for the perfect hostess? [BRAND REDACTED] Water, intelligently-chic herbal infused water, has a unique bouquet of flavors with aromatic scents certain to tantalize the senses. The line offers an array of tastes sure to spruce up any party favor.
* Must-have drink mixer for "skinny" cocktails sure to impress party goers
* The culinary herbs accompany any dish in a flavorful harmony
* Flavor your ice-cubes with bursts of delight without the calories
* Brighten up your party favors with an enchanting color scheme of flavors
The jeans you have aren't good enough, because they don't contain cashmere!
I just wanted to tell you about the new [BRAND REDACTED] denim brand that would be great for a new posting about the perfect jeans for the summer. Made with a cashmere blend, these jeans are lightweight, incredibly soft and compliment every woman's figure.
Note: These jeans were priced between $188 and $204.
You need to know about our jeans, because a celebrity wore them!
Kate Beckinsale spotted leaving The Ivy restaurant in London wearing [BRAND REDACTED] skinny jean in Driftwood, a torn-up light wash jean. Anyone interested in a friendly fashion competition, Erin Lucas wore these same jeans from [REDACTED] in New York City in May with a very different style outfit!
Ladies love the outdoors… if you make it luxe! (Emphasis ours)
I would love to send a press kit to introduce you to [REDACTED] located just an hour north of [REDACTED]. We have just launched our unique B&B and event facility and I feel we have captured something very special for [REDACTED]. We lodge our guests in beautiful luxury tents from India. We call it "Glamping" where camping is glamorous and luxury in the wild means fine linens, full bathrooms and gourmet meals!
Lip gloss and body shimmer will change your life and help you please your man!
Nothing steams up a night quite like a seductress transformation. So be sure to bat those eyes and pucker up because this arsenal of beauty must-haves guarantees an earth-shattering night!
Your sex toys should be recycled!
My client [REDACTED] a retired gynecologist and an Israeli company are manufacturing eco friendly adult toys. The first product line of dildos are made from recyled materials so women can be good to the earth and themselves at the same time.
Eat cookies to get thin, just like the stars, who surely do not have personal trainers or chefs!
I thought this would make for a fun story idea, or a great "celeb item." Recently, two of the old and new 90210 stars, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth were spotted at [NAME REDACTED] Diet Store in Beverly Hills. Shannen and Jennie reportedly were stocking up on their monthly supply of cookies telling people in the store that this is their go-to diet before they begin shoots, parties and especially because beach weather is finally here.
I guess being the "drama teacher" and "guidance councilor" led these two stars to pack on some pounds – which made them strive to get their bodies back to their original Beverly Hills 90210 glory days. If you are a local Beverly Hills resident then you can stop by [REDACTED] store to pick up your own supply of cookies where celebrities like Shannen, Jennie, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Kim & Khloe Kardashian, Ashlee & Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Hudson etc. have been spotted doing the same!
But wait! Stars are fat! Don't be fat like the stars!
Hope you had a good weekend…[BRAND REDACTED] has announced "Biggest Gainers of 2008." While stars around them were cutting back, these five celebs packed on the pounds:
1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mariah Carey
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. Matthew Perry
5. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Joaquin Phoenix "walked the line" from gorgeous Golden Globe winner to Hollywood dropout deadbeat, clinging on to the coattails of his A-list friends. Now that he's sworn-off acting, he's sworn-on his refrigerator. Mariah Carey is no longer every man's "fantasy". As a married woman, the average weight gain is 6 pounds a year; soon she'll be crushing Nick Cannon! The Queen of Talk Shows, Oprah Winfrey might be known for her grandiose audience giveaways, but looks like she's keeping all the food for herself. Has Matthew Perry eaten one of his "Friends"? He's kicked some bad habits, but may be replacing the butts for burgers. Party of Five? Jennifer Love Hewitt looked like she was eating for more than one when she was caught by the paparazzi over the summer in her teeny weenie bikini.
Ugh, that one needs to be disemvoweled.