Sex Club Owner Speaks Eloquently About the Loss of His Gay Suckatorium

Sydney's gay community was dealt a horrible blow yesterday after a fire swept through one of the city's most prominent sex-on-premises venues. The owner of the establishment recounted the harrowing ordeal for a local news team: "I was speaking to the employee at that shop and I thought he said, ‘I can smell shit.' And I go, I said, ‘No shit, it's a gay back room,'" he said. "And he goes, ‘No, I smell smoke." I said, ‘You'd better go check that out.' And then, before I knew it, the whole fucking thing's on fire."


Voicing his suspicions that a fellow sex vendor from the neighboring Pleasure Lounge may have started the fire, the irate businessman lamented the fact that his clients will now have to be serviced by one of the other "fucking putrid ones around here" as he wistfully recalled the majesty of the jewel in his retail crown.

"It sells dildos, butt plugs, fucking anal beads, but the main business is it's a gay sauna," he said. "They pay ten dollars and they get those big screens with pornos and they get to fuck each other. There's a suckatorium, you put your cock in a hole and some guy sucks you off. This is not a fucking joke, this is how it goes. This is the world of the gays."

Our thoughts are with the gays of Sydney during this trying time.

Sex shop fire in Kings Cross [YouTube]


Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

Back in mah days, we didn't have any of these fancy-schmancy "suckatoriums," y'see. In mah days, we called them the proper term: a Clinton-hole. Y'see, we were clever, and we named them after the President then. It was clever.

Also, back then, it only cost $2.50. And we wore jackets made of jeans. And we had to buy our porn on things called "cassette tapes" for $25 for a copy of a copy. And if you didn't get a good porn, you just learned to like your unhappy clown porn because goddammit it was better than the Sears underwear catalog. Good times, the old days.