Serial Wife-Leaver Newt Gingrich Vows to Defend Marriage

Philandering windbag Newt Gingrich stands a chance at nabbing the Republican Presidential nomination, and in courting the conservative voters he needs to win, he’s endorsed a “marriage pledge.” Politicians who sign the pledge vow to defend marriage by making sure that marriage is federally defined as between one man and one woman, which is hilarious because Newt Gingrich has already had three wives.

The pledge has been signed by the likes of mental giants Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry, and its participants promise to be faithful to their spouses, have a fuckton of babies, reject Sharia law (?), and make sure that gays don’t try any funny business. For America.

Enduring marital fidelity between one man and one woman protects innocent children, vulnerable women, the rights of fathers, the stability of families, and the liberties of all American citizens under our republican form of government. Our exceptional and free society simply cannot endure without the transmission of personal virtue, from one generation to the next, by means of nurturing, nuclear families comprised of sexually-faithful husbands and wives, fathers and mothers.

For hating extramarital and non-P in V sex so much, social conservatives sure are obsessed with it!

Newt Gingrich’s history of defending marriage is tenuous at best; at worst, it sort of seems like Newt Gingrich is the person that the Marriage Vow is attempting to defend marriage against. By now, everyone knows about that time he left his cancer-stricken wife for his mistress because she wasn’t pretty enough or young enough to be a First Lady. Or that time that he left the woman he left his first wife for after openly having an affair with a congressional aide 20-something years younger than him while he attempted to impeach a sitting President who was doing the same thing.

The New York Times reports that Gingrich endorsed the pledge, but stopped short of signing it himself, presumably because if he did so, his eyeballs would liquify and drain from their sockets and his hair would spontaneously light on fire like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Are You Being Fucking Serious With Me Right Now. In lieu of signing the pledge, Gingrich released a statement wherein he swore up and down that he’d push for a constitutional amendment that defined marriage as between one man and one woman and that life begins at conception.

Some conservatives don’t think he’s doing enough to court the evangelical Christian vote, but the fact remains that in spite of his nonsignage of the pledge, he still leads his opponents in polls by double digit numbers, especially among fringe groups like the Tea Party. Probably because hyperconservative evangelical Christians are more afraid of Mormons than they are of liars.

Maybe I’m being a little unfair. The fact that Newt Gingrich is on marriage number three in itself doesn’t make Newt Gingrich a bad person. What makes him a bad person is that he’s an unapologetic, shameless hypocrite.