Last year we treated you to cage-matches between the behemoth September issues of the major women's magazines. The winner: whichever bloated publication has the most expensive shit festering between its pages. The prize: our loathing. This year's first bout, officiated by myself and Intern Margaret, is between stylish sumo wrestler Elle (clocking in at 636 pages)and snooty superheavyweight Vogue (798 pages). Now that the Olympics are over, check out as these two try to pin each other to the (diamond-encrusted) mat.

Elle Apparel: $573,038 (most expensive item: Chanel dress, $17,355; least expensive: Express t-shirt $17; average price: $1,897) Accessories: $967,092 (most expensive item: Louis Vuitton diamond-encrusted watch, $135,000; least expensive: Payless pump, $28; average price: $2,671) Beauty: $2,227 (most expensive item: Linea Pro C2 Digital Flatiron, $199; least expensive item: tie between Aussie Mega Hairspray and Herbal Essences Set Me Up Extra Hold Hairspray, both $3; average price: $30) Other: $19,743 (most expensive item: Alexandra settee, $8,000; least expensive: Mallo cup candies, $1.50; average price: $1,161) Total Shit: $1,562,100 Average: $2,072

Vogue Apparel: $704,256 (most expensive item: Fendi 24K-gold mink coat, $64,300; least expensive: Brooks running bra $38; average price: $4,294) Accessories: $237,889 (most expensive item: Maison Martin Margiela 18K-pink-gold cuff bracelet from Line 12, $18,395; least expensive: Speedo swim cap, $12; average price: $1,441) Beauty: $107 (most expensive item: Missoni solid fragrance compact on a charm bracelet, $50; least expensive: YSL Gloss Pur in Noir, $28; average price: $36) [Vogue didn't give prices for most beauty products] Other: $15,435 (most expensive item: [and best caption in the mag]: "Skunk is on reclaimed wood-and-steel table, $5,495, ABC Carpet & Home, NYC"; least expensive: yoga to the People class, suggested donation: $10 per class; average price: $702) Total Shit: $957,687 Average: $2,705 Elle has Vogue beat in Total Shit, mostly on the strength of its accessories (just try telling time with that diamond-encrusted watch). But Vogue has a mink coat dipped in gold, and everyone knows that with fur AND gold, you just can't lose. Winner: Vogue Earlier: Shameless September Ladymags: Elle Vs. Vogue