Seems Unlikely That Meghan Markle Is a Time-Traveling Serial Killer, But Tabloids Can Dream

Illustration for article titled Seems Unlikely That Meghan Markle Is a Time-Traveling Serial Killer, But Tabloids Can Dream
Image: Chris Jackson (Getty Images)

While there is a cottage industry built up around blaming former royal and current Californian Meghan Markle for everything from leaked stories about her to the racist bullying that finally drove her precious little ginger husband to leave his family in England, it’s probably not possible that she murdered the ex-human whose 11,000-year-old bones were recently found close to her property. But that hasn’t stopped the tabloids from speculating!

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Page Six reports that ancient bones were dug up during some landscaping work taking place near Harry and Meghan’s Santa Barbara estate and that they “might belong to a young indigenous person.” This theory, if true, would absolve Harry, who comes from England—but what of Meghan, who is from California:

“Authorities actually think the remains may be 11,000 years old. So yeah, we’re talking way before any Euros came washing up onshore and wreaking havoc.”

And while reporters have reached out to the Chumash people, a local indigenous tribe to whom the young person found on the property could have belonged, it also remains to be seen what Harry and Meghan have to say about this thing that is only getting a gossip mention because it happened sort of near them but also has nothing to do with the couple:

“Now, it’s worth mentioning ... the remains were NOT found on PH/MM’s near-$15 million property itself — but they were close by. Their place is adjacent to the road on which this was all uncovered. Kinda cool to think about — but also ... kinda creepy.”

When they’re right, they’re right. This whole item is creepy. But I’m going to go ahead and offer a controversial opinion: I don’t think she did it.

DISCUSSION

josephclarkmcintyre
eoghan01

So, going back 11,000 years just to murder someone would seem like a waste of a time machine ... BUT, what if the reason she did that was that the person she killed would otherwise have turned out to be, like, REALLY evil, and actually she saved the whole world by murdering them?