Science Proves Women Over 30 are Better than Everybody

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A survey involving 60,000 volunteers from 200 countries has found that overall, women tend to be more moral creatures than men, and that morality starts to tick upward once women hit 30. So, women in your thirties and older, feel free to take a break from feeling pressured to marry and reproduce and be perfect at your job and have a perfect 22 year old body and a face so youthful that it looks like it was grafted from baby ass skin and give yourselves a pat on the back. You win. Battle of the sexes, over.


The morality study, which is completely ironclad and conclusive and not at all subject to selection bias, was conducted by Professor Roger Steare, who was interested in observing how moral attitudes evolve with age. He found that as people get older, they get less obedient but more able to use reason until their powers peak in their early sixties. And then after that, cranky assholedom sets in, and the elderly are free to wear whatever cat sweatsuits or oversized cowboy belt buckles their hearts desire.

Steare also found that men tend to be bigger jerks than women, as men make decisions based on their own immediate best interests and women tend to consider other people's feelings before acting. So, while a woman might feel hesitant to eat the last of the ice cream, a man might have no qualms about polishing off half a pint of Haagen Dazs or, better yet, leaving one spoonful left and just putting the nearly-empty container back in the freezer so he doesn't have to walk all the way over to the garbage can and throw it away. Who run the world? Boys. Because they're willing to be mean.

This analysis is far from perfect; it only assesses how people respond to questions about their morality, not the morality itself. So, really, women think they're more moral than men, or women feel as though they need to answer questions on anonymous internet surveys as though they're more moral, because they're taught that they're supposed to be nice and self-sacrificing and matronly rather than go-gettery. And there's also the fact that the definition of morality isn't settled; some philosophies don't hold selflessness and altruism to be "moral" traits; rather, they believe that humanity is at its best when everyone's operating full dick speed ahead, like an Ayn Rand protagonist or the Koch-esque billionaire from Bioshock.

Regardless of the findings' reliability or long-term implications, at the very least, studies like this that attempt to conclusively establish whether girls rule and boys drool or if, in fact, girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider make excellent water cooler fodder. If you find yourself at a water cooler today (perhaps if you live inside of a Dilbert cartoon), make sure to make a remark about it. You could say something like, "Hello there, fellow. I see that you are a man. Were you aware that I am better than you, morally?" If you're not comfortable with such a direct approach, consider conspicuously flashing your vagina while holding a large print copy of this story, or punching dudes in the crotch while shouting "MORALITY LOSER!" People will put two and two together.

Women are more moral than men, survey says [Telegraph]

Image via Robyn Mackenzie/Shutterstock


Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark

To be fair, being more moral than the average under-30 man is like winning a race with a snail and a tortoise. In the end, you lap them so many times that it's hard to figure out if they're trying or not.