If we know anything about Sarah Silverman it's that she loves abortions. This is most clearly evidenced by the fact she's responsible for the best termination-related montage we're likely to witness during our lifetime. SS, fully aware of the War on Women, decided to sneak in a quick one in case someone pulls the plug on Roe vs. Wade — and she posted the results for our viewing pleasure. "Got a quickie aborsh in case R v W gets overturned," she wrote underneath her handiwork. She may have only aborted a burrito, that only intensifies my love for this woman. [WhoSay]
Like every sane person, Beyonce has a crush on Michelle Obama, and decided to pen an open letter to her online. "Michelle is the ultimate example of a truly strong African American woman. She is a caring mother, she's a loving wife, while at the same time, she is the First Lady!!!!" she wrote. "Michelle, thank you so much for every single thing that u do for us — I am proud to have my daughter grow up in a world where she has people like you, to look up to." Co-sign. [Us]
I don't see how you can have a "flirtatious meal" unless you're into sploshing, but NYDN said former flames Ashley Olsen and Jared Leto were doing just that at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills. While we've all hooked up with an ex in our time of need the first few months out of the gate, enough time has passed that we can look at Olsen with a disappointed shake of the head. She also put her head on his lap during the meal – anything goes at the Polo Lounge, apparently. [NYDN]
Most of us are used to getting blind drunk and making poor life decisions for free, but Pauly D has invited us behind the scenes of the weird and wonderful world that is Jersey Shore by revealing he'll be getting paid $150,000 per episode next season. That's it, let's quit our jobs, grab some plum champagne and sit in a hot tub in the backyard of a reality show producer. [E!]
Getting kind of pissy that the hosts kept asking about her love life, Rihanna abruptly ended an interview with Australian morning show Sunrise. But not before telling off the general public for their interest in her tumultuous personal life. "They're interested in a lot of things — a lot of things that don't matter," she said. "Or shouldn't." [Page Six]
- Serial sperminator Levi Johnston says he and his new girlfriend are expecting a baby because they "forgot the birth control pills" on a holiday. Talk about romantical. [Page Six]
- Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker and co. took to the New York stage for the first time in 14 years at Radio City Music Hall. Where the crowd threw drinks at his head for causing the savage DJ overplay of "Common People" at indie nights over the past 17 years — I'm imagining. [Page Six]
- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are thisclose to both signing on to new film The Counselor, which is about a lawyer who gets caught up in drug trafficking. [Page Six]
- Chelsea Handler is using vibrator logic to try and convince Mayor Bloomberg to replace horse-drawn carriages with horseless ones. [Page Six]
- Amy Winehouse's family kicked off the US launch of the Amy Winehouse Foundation. [Page Six]
- Pregnancy can be the worst – or so I'm told — but it can also be the best, according to Vanessa Minnillo who says she's loving life and the whole eating for two thing. [Us]
- Aside from the questionable relationships they promote, Kate Beckinsale said the Twilight books also almost ruined Christmas because all her daughter wanted to receive was the gift of being a vampire. Which is pretty cute. [Us]
- Edie Falco's two adopted kiddly winks are so aware of how their family was started that they think all kids are adopted. Cute kid behavior take two. [People]
- After talk she had a miscarriage Khloé Kardashian felt compelled to deny the suggestions. Which is a pretty sucky position to be put in. [People]
- Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift are collaborating on a new song. And the young shall inherit the earth. [CNN]
- And here we go again: Kate Major called the cops on Michael Lohan for the gazillionth time. [TMZ]
- Mel Gibson says he didn't say that John Lennon deserved to die, but stayed silent on his raging anti-Semitism. [TMZ]
- Everyone else in the family is pretty wet for him, but Bruce Jenner isn't so excited about daughter Kim Kardashian's new boyfriend, Kanye West. [TMZ]
- Bravo are "phasing out" Taylor Armstrong from The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills/slowly turning out the light behind my eyes. [Radar]
- This video of Zac Efron showing how to undo a bra with one hand is the most unsettling thing you'll see all day. [Daily Mail]
- "As far as I know, 30 Rock is back next year. But all things must pass. New shows. New people. But aren't you infinitely curious about the kinds of things Tina will do when the show is over? I know I am. I think Tina will write, produce, act in and direct some great films. People need new things, creatively... sometimes, they need to do nothing at all... I wanna narrate FROZEN PLANET for a living." — Alec Baldwin. [Twitter]