Sarah Palin Has God On Her Side, Says Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin, Official Teen Spokesperson of America’s Most Embarrassing Family, was lobbed a series of blessed softballs in an interview with Christianity Today and she hit string of grounders that sort of rolled over the foul line. But it’s okay, Bristol. You can still keep running the bases. We’ll pretend they were fair balls.

The interview didn’t break much new ground, but it did touch on a few topics that people who love, hate, and love to hate the Palin machine revisit time and time again- her date rape that wasn’t a date rape but kind of actually was a date rape maybe, abstinence and how it is the best unrealistic thing a teen can ever do, her famous mother who quits things all the time, and, of course, God.

Some highlights:

Bristol is passionate about pro life things.

I am completely pro-life and believe that every human life is so valuable. I think that all women should have their babies. If they don’t want them, they can give them up for adoption and there are other options. I would much rather attend a pro-life event than an abstinence type of event just because I’m much more passionate about pro-life things.

Yes, adoption is a great option for women who don’t want to be mothers, but what about women who don’t want to be pregnant? Maybe they can all get hired to be teen abstinence spokespeople!

The Persecution Complex Force is strong in this one. A recurring theme in Bristol Palin’s public statements is just how mean everyone in the whole world is to her family (except not God, as you’ll see below. He’s nice).

You know, if people actually look at the situation and look at the things that Meghan says about my family when she goes on these talk shows and she makes up stupid stuff and relegates my mom to stupid things, I think they’ll see that my one response is nothing compared to what she says about my family on a daily basis.

She still fancies herself the Biggie Smalls to Meghan McCain’s conservative fame hungry daughter Tupac, but, tragically (and embarrassingly) she’s probably more like the Flava Flav.

She knows that God is on her mother’s side. I always wondered about people who are sure that they know what God’s up to. Like that N*Sync song, Merry Christmas (Happy Holidays), which I’ve unfortunately had in my head for the better part of two weeks now. There’s a line in there where they sing “God sends you his love.” Really, boy band? You’re up there kicking it with God and you know that He personally wants me to have His love? Anyway, just as N*Sync claims that God told Justin Timberlake to deliver some dumb message that He couldn’t be bothered to deliver himself, so too does Bristol Palin chit chat with the man upstairs all the time. And He is on her mother’s side. If this is true, that God is standing behind what Sarah Palin is doing, why does God hate the English language and facts so much? And if you don’t like Sarah Palin, you’re just jealous, just like all people who don’t like the Real Housewives of New Jersey or every guest ever on Maury Povich. Says Bristol,

Yeah, I think that people treat her poorly, they treat her with no respect, and I think it’s because they’re envious of her. She’s got a good family, she’s got a good husband, she’s got awesome support, she’s got God on her side, and I think people are envious of that. They’re envious that she carries herself so well, that she’s smart. There are lots of vicious people out there.

and

We all have God on our side. We all know at the end of the day that we’re serving him, and we’re really confident with our religion.

Not only does she know what God’s up to, she knows what Sarah Palin’s presidential run plans are (either way, yawn forever. If she’s running, she’ll lose and everyone will laugh. If she doesn’t run, we’ll all secretly be sad that she didn’t give us more opportunity to laugh at her, because laughing is fun and fun is good).

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I know. We talk all the time. What’s said at our kitchen table will remain there until she wants to make a decision publicly. We’ll wait to hear that.

It is my dream that one day, the Palins are just the answer to a pink category questions on the I LOVE THE AUGHTS version of Trivial Pursuit. Until the public and the press become bored with The Capital Hillbillies, though, we’re doomed to a fate of endlessly repeated softballs and grounders.