Ruth Bader Ginsburg Promises She Is Going to Be Just Fine

Because she is very much aware that she is the only thing standing in the way of a bunch of poorly-punctuated tweets replacing the constitution, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is on a tour of America to assure everyone that she still has many good years of protecting us from her co-workers’ decisions left in her.

“This audience can see that I am alive,” Justice Ginsburg told the 4,000 person crowd at a book festival sponsored by the Library of Congress on August 31. The statement seemed to reference the fact that last week, it was announced 86-year-old Ginsburg had undergone treatment for pancreatic cancer in addition to having been treated for lung cancer last December. However, doctors say “there is no evidence of disease” now, and Ginsburg is adamant she can stay alive through sheer force of will alone:

“I love my job,” she said. “It has kept me going through four cancer bouts. Instead of concentrating on my aches and pains, I just know that I have to read a set of briefs and go over a draft opinion. Somehow, I have to surmount whatever is going on in my body and concentrate on the court’s work.”

Over the next three weeks, Ginsburg will also appear in Little Rock, Raleigh, Chicago, and twice in New York so that all of America can see that everything’s going be okay, though the whole tour just makes me more anxious. We should maybe put her in a sterile glass case with plenty of chicken noodle soup until October when she returns to work.

But despite my anxieties, throughout the entirety of her career, Ginsburg has thrived when others insisted she would falter, and staying alive, thus far, has been no different, with Ginsburg persevering long after those who predicted her death have faded from this mortal coil in her stead. But I am also fully prepared to accept her opinions handed down via Ouiji board, should it come to that.