Rupert Murdoch Can Bite My Bulbous Butt: The Healthcare Industry's Problems Are Not Caused by Fat People

Jowls about town Rupert Murdoch is an 82-year-old media magnate who enjoys owning Fox News, the occasional (ALLEGED!!) phone hacking, and, on a slow day, taking to his mainly boring Twitter account to wax poetic on subjects that confuse him. Unfortunately, yesterday became such a day when the foldy faced wonder boy visited Twitter to ask some ridiculous questions about a 400-pound woman who had the ground collapse beneath her feet. He mused, to nobody in particular, “How did fat lady who fell thru street get to 400 lbs? Welfare, stamps, etc? Then leave us all with 20yrs immense health bills.” Coming from a man who force feeds mountains of garbage to the masses for a living, that is quite a statement.

Let us examine things.

First, the initial tweet:

After tweeting that gem and receiving some much deserved backlash, he feigned surprise that anyone would be, could be upset with him. His liver spotted infant face said “Who, me??” But his dumbass words betrayed him:

Don’t bat your nonexistent eyelashes and try to get out of this, Mr. Murdoch, you hath tweeted some serious shit and now we hath to talk about it. Ugh, and all I wanted to do today was eat bon bons and get even fatter so Murdoch would have to personally pay for my voluntary reconstructive surgery (I want to look just like a donut!).

So many problems, where to begin?

Murdoch, this woman’s name is Ulanda Williams. Considering your paper broke the story, you could at least give her the courtesy of knowing her name.

Second, Williams’ weight is irrelevant — the faulty sidewalk was an accident waiting to occur, and it could’ve just as easily happened to two 200lbs people, or any other assortments of humans and weight. The sidewalk collapsing was not her fault, it was the faulty sidewalk’s fault — namely the defective steel doors and loose staircase.

Third, to assume that Williams “got to” 400lbs because she’s on welfare or using food stamps is a scarily close to racist/definitely for sure racist statement. What sort of twisted mind makes the connection between someone falling through a sidewalk with “Oh, yeah, she’s probably on the welfare and the food stamps.” Murdoch must’ve gotten all excited at the possibility of a black woman on welfare — the GOP’s wet dream — that he blurted out that crap in a moment of masturbatory bliss. And, again, if Murdoch had read his own paper’s story, he would’ve noticed that Williams is a social worker. A FREAKING SOCIAL WORKER*. This man’s humanity knows no limits. (That is a lie.)

As far as the 20 years of “immense health bills” that Williams is supposedly saddling Murdoch and the masses with, I ask him to once again to refer to the story in his paper about the subject — it possesses far more answers than the magical Twitter box. If he’d read the story, he would’ve seen that Williams told his paper that workers at the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital where she was treated said her size was the only thing that saved her, and that a thinner person might have died from the fall. So, no, Williams didn’t leave Murdoch (or anyone else) with “immense health bills.” And if she had, it would’ve been the responsibility of the building owners, the ones who ignored multiple violations from the Department of Buildings for their shoddily maintained property. Murdoch can sleep easy knowing that nobody’s going to bust into his penthouse and relieve him of the NO MONEY he puts towards Williams’ healthcare.

And if he wants to talk about all the money that’s supposedly being wasted on providing health care to fat people, we can’t do that without talking about our expensive, unfair, dangerous, and inefficient health care system and its myriad of problems — of which fat people are not even close to the top. Let’s explore the terrible medical loss ratios (the percent of every dollar that insurance companies give to medical costs, i.e., don’t spend on administration), and the disorganized and unmanageable multitudes of obtrusive middlemen who drive up costs and make it harder for patients to be seen and doctors to do their jobs.

But none of that really matters, it’s totally the fat people who are gobbling up all the healthcare resources, and the reason why our healthcare system is so fucked isn’t because of the tens of years of a haywire system gone mad, it’s because I got a cold because I’m fat. Oh yeah, it doesn’t help that anytime a fat person is treated, often regardless of ailment, it’s attributed to obesity. Chalk another chemical burn down to the person being obese, and send that to billing! Sorry the earache I just want to take a minute to publicly apologize to everyone about the fat in my fat ears that gave me a earfat fatache (technical term) that’s driving up the cost of healthcare nationwide.

So, yes, Murdoch, you did mean to sound unsympathetic, because you are unsympathetic, and for someone who lives in a house that’s made of the thinnest of all thin glasses (handcrafted by magical elves who are known for their nimble fingers and incredibly dexterity) (don’t worry, he can still afford them, he hasn’t had to spend all his money on fat people health insurance) (yet), you should put down the mighty Twitter stones. Or, if you must, take quick break from being a less fresh, live action Scrooge McDuck, and at least read your paper’s story first — you might find some of your questions were already answered by the people who are paid to listen to you blather.

*Which, actually, OK, might mean she’s on welfare and food stamps, taking into consideration how much we, as a society, value those who devote their lives to helping others. On the other side of the coin, of course, there’s Murdoch, a billionaire who arguably actively detracts from the value of society.