Royal Baby Watch 2014 Has Begun, and It's Dumber Than Dumb

Prince George, heir to the throne of England, is turning one year old, thereby scoring his first Vanity Fair cover. And you know what that means: time for us to begin breathlessly speculating about the vacancy rate of Kate Middleton's reproductive organs!!!

It's like there were countdown clocks in gossip-rag offices all over the world.

Now, there's nothing unusual about wholly unfounded pregnancy rumors surfacing in OK! or Radar or wherever else. But this week the rumors have ratcheted up to the level of "rampant," thanks to a report from longtime friend Jessica Hay, who first revealed the coming of Prince George. "Kate's face is fuller like it was when she was first expecting George and she's been changing her hair, which could be to disguise the fullness," she told Australia's New Idea (via Radar).


Sure. Seems legit. (If you ignore the fact that once you've blabbed once you're probably booted from the inner circle.)

So this led even the relatively fact-based E! to speculate: "Kate Middleton Pregnant?! Let's Examine the Possible Evidence..." They put forth three pieces of evidence: Bookies have been "flooded" with bets she's knocked up; "unusual wardrobe choices" like wearing a coat and carrying a clutch; and, literally, "It's time for a spare heir." Look, this isn't the Middle Ages. We're unlikely to lose Prince George to an ague, and it's not like without a spare they're risking a war triggered by a dynastic crisis, here.

And, for the record, here is the SUSPICIOUS coat:


Sam Waterston aghast face dot gif.

Maybe Kate is pregnant again. It's certainly not out of the question a young couple would begin trying again around about now. If so, felicitations! But this "evidence" adds up to zilch. The most honest headlines would blare: "Jessica Simpson Is Married Now So I Guess Let's Talk About Whether Kate Middleton Is Preggers," "Will Baby George Be a Big Brother? Shit, I Dunno, But You Sure Clicked," and "We Tried to Make Pippa Middleton Happen But You Wouldn't Cooperate So Here We Go Again."


But it's like the American presidential elections—once the news cycle starts, you can't pause it. Anticipation will build until Kate Middleton produces another anointed infant (preferable a shiny-locked little girl) or the Internet shorts out, whichever comes first. Royal Baby Watch 2014 has begun, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. GET EXCITED.


Photos via Getty.

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