Ronald McDonald Gets a Normcore Makeover

America’s favorite wage-thieving nightmare clown is getting a sartorial makeover, abandoning his traditional avant-garde drop crotch onesie for something decidedly more pedestrian (actual capris).

In a statement, McDonald’s senior vice president said, “Customers today want to engage with brands in different ways, and Ronald will continue to evolve to be modern and relevant.” To which I say: NICE LUMPY BLAZER, NERD.

Ronald McDonald’s old ensemble was simple yet subversive. He was clown in a work vest, also with two pockets for storing Big Macs in. It was utilitarian chic: bold yet unified color scheme, architectural tailoring (inasmuch as a bean bag is architectural, which, for our purposes here, it is), baggy enough to cover his presumably terrifying — based on shoe size — clown penis. It looked sort of like a prison jumpsuit, which was probably a statement on the designer’s part about how we are all trapped in a prison of capitalistic greed. Probably.

His new look is waaaaaay less effective and definitely less on #brand. Ronald McDonald, the corporate clown of the 21st century, now wears a poorly tailored two-piece suit. On top, he looks like a girl in eighth grade going to her first Model U.N. conference. On the bottom, he looks like someone you would catch masturbating in a Whole Foods. Beauty-wise, his eyebrows are still caught in 2001. This is not a good look, sir.

Here’s my modern and relevant outfit suggestion: this Moschino bathrobe with a pair of bedazzled Tevas. You’re welcome, McDonald’s CEO! I will accept my payment in potato products.