Rihanna Rihport: The Year in Rihview 2019
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Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.
Rihanna, December 31—At decade’s end, the hills were still but for a distant chirp—a woodpecker, perhaps, sussing out his morning meal beneath the skin of a pine—and the quiet moonbeams gave way to a bright orange sun roiling through the sky, dusting the sage with light as protectively as mother’s milk. The silence was calm: meditative, patient, but expectant; for soon, over the horizon, all creatures would know that Robyn Rihanna FENTY, OUR LORD and SAVIOR and ENDLESS HOLY FONT OF JOY, HAS RISEN, MY GOOD BITCHES!
Blessed be the Navy all around the world, in every hemisphere and every climate, this was the year our GODDESS truly spread her gospel: that one may look fly at every price point and also that ONE DAY in 2019, perhaps TODAY since this is the last moment possible, she will bestow upon us a BEAUTIFUL GIFT of the one true sacrament that has come to be known as #R9—an ALBUM that may or may not be a DANCEHALL album, or maybe a DOUBLE ALBUM, but as her disciples we will TAKE whatever the blood of the covenant DRIPS FROM its STONE! Nay, let us not approach our blesséd mother with greed, but with gratitude for her perpetual benevolence and life-sustaining LIGHT with which she bestows upon us daily, sure as the sun dusts the sage with its rays. Peace be with you. And also with you. It’s the sixth annual YEAR IN RIHVIEW!
January
In between introducing MORE shades of Pro Filtr foundation and celebrating #R8 aka Anti still being on the on Billboard 200 after three years, BadGalRiri had time to go OUT in NEW YORK CITY! She stunted all the way to SOBs nightclub in the West Village, “stepped out” on the street in pinstripes, and also went to her DENTIST, which she does every year at least once, because good god, mouth hygiene is truly important. Brush twice a day and then you will be rewarded with a sushi dinner at Kappo Masa in an old Hollywood glam ensemble, JUST like Rihanna!
February
The badgal spent her 31st birthday low-key in a cheeky Vetements sweatshirt and a unicorn piñata, symbolizing that she is, in fact, also a unicorn of great wealth and luck. She was also SPOTTED leaving Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s Oscars afterparty at the Chateau Marmont in a CHEETAH print, also symbolizing that she is a RARE WILD CAT who can run faster than the SPEED OF LIGHT! This is a known fact, because of science!
March
As an “international woman”—Bajan beauty, been around the world!—Rihzus knew it was HIGH TIME to celebrate International Woman’s Day in BALENCIAGA. But March was mostly quiet for our queen outside of various business ventures (Trophy Wife Body Lava, come to me my sweet), presumably because she was in the STUDIO with a BABY! His name is Aaron Rodolfo and he is the baby of her best friend Jenn Rosales, Auntie Riri to the rescue… with music! We hope!
April
April was a bit more poppin’ for our girl, who emerged on the covers of Harper’s Bazaar and Vogue Australia in various states of effervescent glamour…
…but then she was also in a “Childish Gambino” film called Guava Island (BEFORE), which was swiftly rebalanced when she kicked it with dancehall god Buju Banton. Do I smell a collabo?! There are only EIGHT MORE HOURS LEFT IN 2019, WE ARE DYING OUT HEAH, THROW US A BONE! IF YOU WANT!
Also, she “stepped out” again…
In NYC and London, for dinner with her billionaire boyf and international smokeshow Hassan Jameel, in phresh-out-the-runway ensembles that forshadowed her BIG TIME DEBUT AS A NAMESAKE FASHION HOUSE, the FIRST black woman to run an LVMH fashion house, the LAUNCH we’d been waiting for for EONS, may the ghost of Zelda Wynn Valdes and essence of André Leon Talley bless us all, each one!
May
She broke RECORDS with this shit and spent the month surprising fans all over Paris wearing that sickening denim corset dress that I cannot afford ($810)! WE CAN ADMIRE THE FLEX, HOWEVER!
God told us that God said Women Rule and Anti-Abortion Assholes drool. Suck it, anti-abortion assholes!
Also, her mom rules and she was on the cover of the T, interview by Jeremy O. Harris! “She smelled like cinnamon, bubble gum and the sea,” he wrote, knowing exactly what the fuck we were wondering!, “her scent dominating the overpowering chocolate around us.”
ADDITIONALLY, because there are only seven hours left in 2019, Harris asked the questions we all had on our Stunna-painted lips and brains!:
JH: Is it true you are doing a reggae album?
RF: Yeah.
[…]
JH: What is the album called?
RF: Uh, I don’t know yet.
JH: If you don’t know yet, then you probably don’t know when it’s coming out?
RF: I don’t.
June
For the true heads: Majesty turned FIVE! #NEHVI! I cry with the glory be to Rihzus!
IMMIGRANTS FLEXING. SUCK IT! #NEHVI!
She was on the cover of Interview like “Hello I am fashion gimp” and we were all like “hellurrrrr!” Most importantly, though, June was the month that Riri got DRUNK with SETH MEYERS!
“Shut up. Just drink.” “Blow your wife.” “SHOT FOR THE ROAD!”
Also, she served LOOKS, in the airport, at the Fenty launch in New York, on vacation with Hassan in Capri, and EN ROUTE to DRINKING THE SHOTS with SETH MEYERS! She also did the BET AWARDS!
July
She had time for another magazine cover, Harpers Bazaar China…
…and to attend the CRICKET WORLD CUP in ENGLAND…
… but WHERE DA ALBUM AT THO? FIVE MORE HOURS LEFT IN 2019…
August
August was a great month to tell the President to go fuck himself! Queen Rihzus you are our President-Elect! Of GOD!
Also, a Vogue Hong Kong cover… and CROPOVER, AKA INTERNATIONAL RIHANNA DAY.
September
Fashion Week was the time that we learned Fenty Films exists, and also that it filmed her Savage X Fenty fashion show, deee-gorgeous! But also, because our righteous leader is a generous soul who can turn the plainest tap water into HIGH FASHION, she held her annual Diamond Ball to benefit her philanthropic foundation, and she made some friends!
She turned the carpet!
Don’t front on the FACE!
October
It was a pretty normal one for our savior and lord of light… GIANT book announcement… umpteenth Vogue cover… the usual… SPREADING HER GLORY UNTO THE WORLD, AND WHAT NOT!
BUT ALSO, this bish is toooooo much! GOOD BYE TO THE “PREGNANCY RUMORS”!
Always enough time to see… the Utah Jazz… with BFF Melissa Forde!
November
She saw Queen & Slim!
She went to a “football” match in Turin, Italy, with her brother Rorrey!
She’s not trying to email you though!
December
She WON THE FASHION!
She celebrated WINNING THE FASHION by WINNING THE FASHION AGAIN! Theoretically this time! She went out to some clubs in Mayfair, London, England, including the storied Annabel’s!
And yet there are 36 minutes left in 2019 and she IS REFUSING TO RELEASE R9!
THERE’S STILL TIME TO MAKE OUR DECADE, O QUEEN RIHANNA, FIRST OF YOUR NAME! Thank you for the love and light you have bestowed upon our unworthy but grateful foreheads, we lift you up in servitude and goodness! BLESSED BE!