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Right Now Is About When I Shoot People Who Tell Me They're Worried About Their "Caffeine Addictions"

Illustration for article titled Right Now Is About When I Shoot People Who Tell Me Theyre Worried About Their Caffeine Addictions

You know what I fucking hate? (And yeah this is tangentially related to a substantive news report regarding the topic that you can read if you like to, you know, learn facts.) Moving on I hate people who tell me they're trying to cut back on caffeine. People who will stand around being all drowsy and shit because they're trying to detox from coffee. Seriously, fuck those people. They always make a big deal out of it because, duh, people who haven't had their coffee have a lot to make excuses about, but like, you seriously expect my empathy? You expect my empathy and caffeine is your addiction? Sure, Starbucks with its 400 milligram Ventis has hooked unprecedented numbers of Americans on unprecedented quantities of caffeine. And LOOK AT THE SOCIETAL CONSEQUENCES! Like how America suddenly has a burgeoning employment sector that doesn't consist of "taking care of sick people"!! Because, guess what, coffee doesn't do anything especially bad! It actually turns out to prevent skin cancer and certain autoimmune disorders and shooting yourself in the temple just to put an end to the misery of having to get out of bed every 24 hours!


Anyway, needless to say, there was some interesting information in the story, like about how smokers and Asians and women on the Pill all metabolize caffeine at different rates and will thus have differing reactions to the same sized cup of coffee, and other sort of shit you could probably figure out by drinking it, and then a battery of studies about how caffeine is kind of good for you and then the requisite caveat about how caffeine, even if it keeps you alert, will tire out your brain so that it can't really function by the end of the day and its only use will be "clicking through infomercials" while "feeling mentally exhausted." Yup.

The Coffee Junkie's Guide To Caffeine Addiction [NY Mag]

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I think the key is knowing when to say when. I know how much my body can take without becoming a shaky lunatic and that's when I stop.

But I usually drink about a gallon of iced tea at lunch.