Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Rielle Hunter And John Edwards Are Made For Each Other

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So, like, John and Rielle: why no condom? What do you think this is, New York? And how would you like a side of genital warts with that radiation, Elizabeth? And what was wrong with your birth name, Rielle I MEAN LISA? Is having two names just par for the course if fucking married politicians of the "ludicrously wealthy for such a strident champion of the poor and oppressed" variety? And also, setting up your married campaign staffer as the DECOY BABY DADDY? God, you people make Ashley Alexandra Dupre look mature. Anyway, why John Edwards would appear to be an idiot and how a Serbian war criminal found his calling in alternative medicine, with stuff about the troop surge and taxes and why people are falling into potholes right and left these days in Philadelphia, with me and Megan after the jump.

MOE: Yo did you read about the homeopathic double life of our genocidal Serb ? Never fucking trust those alternative medicine people.

MEGAN: Charlatans! All of them! Except for my acupuncturist, that woman cured my migraines


MEGAN: I was actually reading about how the feds dropped the tax case against Al Sharpton but how many candidates have tax "problems", but which it is meant that they think they don't have to pay them with is pretty fucking arrogant, even for a politician.

MOE: I like giving politicians the benefit of the doubt in these matters. Like I mean, maybe they were just, like, busy?

MEGAN: For 2-4 years?

MOE: Um?

MEGAN: I mean, whatever, like, if you're going to run for office for the right to tax us, I think you should make the time. Also, my county harasses me every day for the 2 weeks before my property taxes are due, even though they come out of an escrow account and are paid my my mortgage holder. Every. day. for. two. weeks. before they're even late.

MEGAN: Anyway, also, George Bush has decided that the problems on Wall Street are not fraud, corruption, a lack of oversight or a preponderance of irrational exuberance, it's that Wall Street was drunk. Guess he should know from getting drunk and fucking shit up.

MOE: So like I guess we should acknowledge the meme of the moment which is to say everyone is mad that Obama is still saying the troop surge was not a good call even though it's totes the reason he now gets to employ the pullout method! Even Ana Marie Cox. It's like when Republican's mistresses get abortions sort of! Which leads me to the real meme of the moment…

MEGAN: Republican mistresses get abortions? Disgraced Representative Vito Fossella tends to differ.

MEGAN: Oh, we're going to talk about John Edwards now, aren't we?


MOE: Well we could also talk about all the Philadelphia kids falling into the sewer thanks to the missing manhole cover epidemic and whether that is, you know, any sort of economic indicator…when I worked in Philly people still had cast iron grates and fences to steal and sell for scrap metal so times musta gotten real rough.

MEGAN: I feel like a couple urban areas already had to secure manhole covers a couple of years ago, though, so maybe Philly's just behind the times?

MOE: Or we could talk about how Bush just dropped his opposition to the big subprime freddie crackpot bailout scheme

MEGAN: Oh, there's a big surprise. We could talk about how Gary Sinise was a closet case, only not in the usual Hollywood way but as a conservative and that makes me sad because I think he's kind of hot but if I wanted to date/fuck the type of guy who would hold meetings in his house to talk about bedrock Republican principles I could just date in D.C..


MOE: I don't think I have ever slept with a Republican. This vaguely astonishes me because, like, who am I to not have acted out my dad issues in this way? Okay and speaking of DADS…

MEGAN: Yes, I have stalled long enough.

MOE: Incidentally Drudge had something up this morning right beneath the National Enquirer piece about Edwards as a possible VP candidate, but yo, between the love child and the cancer and the sham cover marriage I don't know…It's pretty salacious, even for a Charismatic Politician With Ambitions To Lead the Free World.

MEGAN: Also, if no one remembers, he fired an aide back in November after the aide publicly admitted to knocking her up despite having a wife and two kids of his own like, daaaaaamn, and Edwards wasn't even polling that well at the time.

9:55 AM

MEGAN: Oh, and of course she just wants him to leave his cancer-stricken wife, marry her and live happily ever after, as though the married politician who knocks you up, asks his friend to admit to being the father, sneaks around to bang you and never acknowledges you or the child in public is really going to be your happily-ever-after man. Ladies, if we all agree to stop buying that bullshit, they might actually try to stop feeing it to us.

MOE: I didn't remember that!

MEGAN: Yeah, totally! Assuming the Enquirer has it right, dude, for real, that's the most ingenious and black-hearted cover up ever.

MEGAN: Related questions: why the fuck don't people use birth control?

MEGAN: Like, if you're the mistress of a married politician and he's all like "Oh, baby, I can't come without condoms" or whatever, for real? How many women do you think he's said that to?

MOE: Um, I don't mean to suggest that broad is crazy enough to "trick" him just from the little peace sign hearted looks of her, but…

MEGAN: Well, again, if you're a married politician cheating on your wife with the kind of starfucker who would fuck a married politician, man, you know you gotta wrap that shit up.

MEGAN: Because Liz has already got enough problems without her doctor being like, so, um, hey, before we go into the next round of chemo, we need to get you some 'cilin for the clap and some Valtrex for the herp, you know?

MOE: Fair.


MEGAN: The picture the Enquirer used, though, totally unfair. It's from December when she was really preggers, though it's strange because I thought you weren't supposed to dye your hair during pregnancy.

MEGAN: Also, if there's a scrum of reporters at the hotel and whatnot, where are the pictures of him running into the bathroom like a scared little girl?

MOE: Right, or eat sushi? How did early man figure this shit out?

MEGAN: They didn't, and thus America was born.

MOE: Someone in the comments yesterday said the Enquirer was known for releasing the pictures about a week after the story to maximize traffic or whatevs.

MOE: But like, my cousin apparently works there now so I should just email and ask.

MEGAN: Seems like journalism runs in your blood!

MOE: Oh well she is a cousin by marriage, and shit, I wish I had her blood bc she is half-Asian and COMPLETELY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

MEGAN: Also, if you were going to tease the pictures, you should probably tease the fact that you took them in the story, like "Exclusive pictures in the Enquirer on the stands on Friday!" or whatever.

MEGAN: Yeah, you're soooo terribly unattractive Moe.

MOE: And really, the Enquirer, I mean, I'm just a blogger.

MEGAN: Ooh, the thing I forgot to mention, changing the subject because I'm so terribly disappointed in my Johnny, is that in Germany there is no word for blogger. My friends were like, just call yourself an author, that's close enough since you're not really a journalist. So I got to call myself an author for a week. It was kind of cool.

MOE: That reminds me I am supposed to be interviewed by a German feminist who according to my brother is famous in Germany


MEGAN: Also, did you see the satirical Vanity Fair cover? They should've put Cindy McCain in a fur.

MOE: yeah I linked to it last night and some commenter said something funny about what would have made it actually funny.

MEGAN: That'll teach me to leave my house while it's still light outside and to try to have a life! I miss so much crap on the Internet in that way.

MOE: Um did you ever see this re Rielle Hunter? Because…ugh. She was that girl. "Girl."

MEGAN: Again, the kind of woman with whom you should always wear a condom.

MEGAN: But I guess it means we know who paid for the room in LA, and it was her dude friend that brought her there.