Rick Santorum's Three Primary Wins Last Night: Hilarious or Terrifying?

Illustration for article titled Rick Santorum's Three Primary Wins Last Night: Hilarious or Terrifying?

Rick Santorum came out on top in Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado's primary contests last night. If you ask Rick Santorum, this means that it's time to start carving out a Rick Santorum-shaped ass groove in the Oval Office's desk chair. But if you ask anyone who isn't Rick Santorum or a cable news analyst, this resulted in zero delegates and means nothing. So, is Rick Santorum's new surge hilarious? Or is it terrifying? Or do we need an entirely new word to describe it? Hillarifying?

On one hand, we've got Rick Santorum's face all over TV, moving triumphantly in various potatolike shapes and threatening to defeat Barack Obama in the general election. During last night's victory speech, he declared that he's less organized and has less money than Mitt Romney, that unlike Barack Obama, he won't try to boss you around and force you to do things you don't want to do (which: hahaha), and that people who are voting for Rick Santorum are voting for honor. Rick Santorum has now won four primaries and is totally going to be the next President.

On the other hand, last night's primaries meant absolutely nothing beyond the unmeasurable boost in exposure that follows a candidate's primary victory. No delegates were awarded to Santorum— in Missouri, for example, delegates are awarded next month, and Newt Gingrich wasn't even on the ballot. In Minnesota, only 50,000 people voted. In Colorado, a whopping 65,000. And in Missouri, only 6% of the voting population cast their ballots. Plus, as NPR points out, the people who are motivated enough to vote in non-delegate awarding primaries are typically rabidly driven by ideology, and people who don't understand the point in responding to what is essentially a political survey stayed home.


It's frightening that there are enough people who agree with Santorum's brand of whackadoodlery to fill a small auditorium, much less win a few primaries. But if Santorum's supporters delusional enough to think that a candidate who seriously thinks birth control is something states should be able to outlaw, that gay sex is akin to beastiality, and that the days of back alley abortions were a simpler, better time is a viable national candidate for President, they should by all means be encouraged to make President Obama's reelection bid as easy as possible.

Did Santorum Win Big or Win Squat [NPR]

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I'm only terrified because I work with so many MN Republicans and I am scared that people I generally respect may have caucused for this asshat. Otherwise I'm completely enjoying watching the Republican Party slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard. (to crib Eddie Izzard)