Rick Santorum Can Do Sex

2016’s barreling down the tracks and you know what that means—time for the biennial reemergence of Rick Santorum, a sentient pile of crumpled-up anti-contraception pamphlets. He’s back, and he’ll have you know that he’s had sex PLENTY of times. So choose Santorum, kids!

He sat down with the Daily Caller and pointed out that he’s got seven kids so yeah, he’s done it a time or two, no big deal, no virgins here, just a buncha cool sex-havers:

Q. If you run [for the White House], lots of people are going to shriek about sex, Christianity and accuse you of being a wild-eyed social conservative. And that’ll shape the willingness of younger voters, urban voters, upper-income voters to pull the lever for you. What are you going to tell these guys?

I’ve spoken on a lot of college campuses and a lot of high schools, and [I’ve got] seven kids, so obviously sex isn’t a real problem for me — and so I would say that if you talk to young people, you know what they’re looking for? Someone who tells them the truth. No young person expects you to agree with them. Heck, they’re not even sure where they are on a lot of issues.

Oh, well, if he’s done the nasty a time or two, I guess we can just forget every jaw-droppingly WTF thing he’s ever said.

“The idea that somehow or another because you have a certain set of policy prescriptions, that you’re not going to be able to appeal young people,” he added, “you know what, young people want authenticity, they want someone they can trust, they want someone who is real, they want someone who is honest with them, someone who can into go in their house, if you will, and talk with them, answer questions.”

Please do not come into my house, Rick Santorum. Stay right out there on the stoop, jamming anti-pornography literature into my mailbox until the cows come home.