Rick Perry Drops Out of Race, Halfway Endorses Gigantic Prick

Illustration for article titled Rick Perry Drops Out of Race, Halfway Endorses Gigantic Prick

Texas governor Rick Perry has announced that he will end his campaign for President and throw his tepid support behind a guy whose wife brushes his hair.

Perry's not "fully" endorsing Newt Gingrich, but he's helpfully suggesting his supporters might want to think about perhaps voting for him. With Perry's sorta endorsement of the former Speaker of the House, Gingrich now has the support of Perry and the tepid sort of support of Sarah Palin, two famous jerks who brag about how much they love shooting guns. For those of you following the horse race, it's down to Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, and Mitt Romney— two Clinton-era relics, an Ayn Rand fanboy, and a humorless robot beamed forward in time from a bygone era when money grew on trees.

It was a good run, Rick Perry. We'll miss your irresponsible accusations that the government of Turkey is run by terrorists, your onstage brain episodes, your bragging about how many Texans you executed, to wild applause!


Once you sober up from this and take a long, cleansing nap, wake up and check your Facebook feed. Your friends have tagged about a million photos of you running for President.

Rick Perry to end presidential campaign, endorse Mitt Romney [WaPo]

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Sorcia MacNasty

I wish the Republicans would settle their differences and pick a candidate using Hunger Games. Just picture the Blood Bath, people! The Cornucopia would be full of Jesus-References, air rifles and Misplaced Nostalgia! There would be "Team Mittens" t-shirts!

I don't think Mittens would make it, actually. Not unless he reveals his robot skills to the public. Wouldn't want to muss himself, you know? And Newt might be too slow. My money would be on Rick, or Ron Paul — I think he'd be a crafty bastard.