Resourceful Woman Attempts to Kill Husband With Vagina Poison

Illustration for article titled Resourceful Woman Attempts to Kill Husband With Vagina Poison

While I realize that I'm not in a position to give you unsolicited relationship advice, I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. If you ever find yourself thinking that you might want to kill your significant other, first and foremost, don't do it. Take some time, cool your head, go get help. Murder is almost always the wrong answer. But secondly, if you decide to proceed (which again, please don't), do not fill your vagina with poison and then invite your partner to go down on you no matter how much that murder plot sounds like it could be turned into an awesome Prince song.


Need more convincing?

A woman in Brazil who didn't take my very reasonable advice is now facing attempted murder charges after filling her vagina with poison and trying to convince her husband to give her oral sex. Now this is a bad idea for several reasons, but mainly — if holistic yeast infection remedies and vodka tampons have taught me anything — it's a bad idea because your vagina is fairly absorbent and shoving a bunch of poison in it will probably hurt you as much as it hurts the person you're trying to kill. As it happens, the woman's husband noticed the strange smell before performing cunnilingus and took her to the hospital where she confessed to what she had done. Medical tests then revealed that she had enough poison inside of her to kill her and her husband both. She has since received treatment and is now under investigation.

See, it doesn't end well! Sure, it sounds like something out of your favorite B-movie or Game of Thrones — "I've heard it said that poison is a woman's weapon" — but in practice, poisoning someone through your vagina is not that good of an idea. Not only are you potentially ending a person's life, but you're also fucking up your own plumbing in the process. Now let's close with a little Bel Biv Devoe. Situation is serious.


Vagina 'Murder Plot': Brazilian Man Accuses Wife Of Poisoning Her Private Parts To Kill Him [HuffPo UK]
Image via Picture Partners/Shutterstock.

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should've done it like this.